The Diary Of A "Crazy" Woman

Mom Update

2009-09-03T12:50:00.003-06:00

This is specifically for the Trasks because they haven't moved over to my other blog, so they won't see the update there. My mom is doing well. She had surgery today and they were able to take care of the throat thing, and everything went well. She'll be in the hospital for another couple of days, and will be able to have the feeding tube removed in a couple of weeks.

2009-08-28T19:35:00.002-06:00

I just want to let everyone know that I probably won't be posting much here anymore. I've been posting on thediaryofacrazywoman.com Hope to see you there!

Mom Update

2009-08-22T20:13:00.003-06:00

My mom will be having surgery on her throat in just under two weeks. She'll still be on the feeding tube for two weeks following the surgery, and I think she couldn't get rid of it too soon. She's really sick of that thing, she's hooked up 18 hours a day. Honestly she needs to be able to eat, she's just all skin and bones these days. I saw her for the first time this past Wednesday in a few weeks, and wow. Her legs are like chicken legs, and her face is so thin, it reminds me of what my Grandpa looked like before he died - how thin he was. I know she'll be glad when it's all done and over with.

Web Site

2009-08-17T22:28:00.006-06:00

Well, I've been busy trying to establish a new website. I like blogger, it's pretty user friendly even for the technologically challenged, but I wanted to try something new, so I did. I'm excited to play around with it and see what I can make of it. The new site is http://thediaryofacrazywoman.com Soon the new wordpress blog that I just started will be disabled and this link will what replaces it. In fact, anything I posted on the wordpress blog is now at the new website. I'm debating whether or not to keep this one, or to just consolidated it all into one thing. I'll keep thinking on it.

Ava is the Funniest Girl!

2009-08-14T18:39:00.005-06:00

The other day I was sitting in the chair, and I asked Mia if she was poopy, she responded, "Yes." So I asked her to get a diaper so I could changer her. Ava immediately jumped in and said, "I'll do it! I'll change Mia's diaper!" I told her I didn't think she'd want to because she was poopy, but she assured me she did. So she tells Mia to lay down, then to move her body. She took off Mia's pants, carefully unfastened her diaper and peeled it back from her body. I just had to see what she would do so I filmed it. I hope you enjoy.

Mom Update

2009-08-14T18:36:00.001-06:00

Ok, I know you all are dying for another update! She sounds like she feels better, but it will be at least a few more weeks before she can get her throat fixed, but getting some strength back. She really just wants to get it all done and move on with her life, but a little nervous they'll go in to fix her throat and find something new. Poor mom, it all just sucks!

Fixed Link

2009-08-13T13:32:00.002-06:00

I fixed the link to the new blog

http://thediaryofacrazywoman.wordpress.com/

New Blog Announcement

2009-08-13T08:39:00.004-06:00

I know, again right? I've been working on this other one for a few weeks now, just trying to figure out what I was going to post. Well, I couldn't sleep this morning after I was rudely awakened by my orange cat laying on my stomach and scratching at the covers so I'd wake up. I've been up since 4:00 and for two hours tried to go back to sleep, but it just didn't happen. I started thinking of all the things that are stressing me out right now, sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I'm not here to discuss what my stress is. Trying to get my mind off of those things that stress me out I started thinking about what I've been doing over the last couple of days, and why I find it so interesting and important to understand. I started thinking about some of my ideals and philosophies and decided that is what I'd post on the new blog. I know a lot of people visit this blog for family updates and probably don't care so much to read the other stuff so I want to keep it separate. So, now it actually has a post that I've published and it's ready for the world to see.

thediaryofacrazywoman.wordpress.com

What else would it be?? The crazy follows me wherever I go, it just a different kind! :)

Kindergarten Here We Come

2009-08-12T15:58:00.003-06:00

So, today my mood drastically improved after receiving a letter in the mail from the school in regards to Dylan attending Kindergarten. It brings me such excitement to say Dylan was accepted into all day Kindergarten!! I am so thrilled because I think he needs it, and he's almost six so he's definitely old enough to be able to handle a full day. I think it will be good for him (and for me) to be in all day kindergarten receiving the "extra" time to help him be ready for First Grade especially since he'll be pulled out two days a week for 30 minutes for speech, and 30 minutes every day for resource. It will be a much needed break for me, and great structure and routine for him.

I hear people say all the time that they are so glad when their kids are home for the summer. I must be a bad mom because I dread it. If my kids would just get along I wouldn't mind it so much, but the fighting is unbearable and very stressful. Plus with two special needs (Adhd) children, and one also suffering form other disorders it is very taxing on everyone!!

This was the best news I could have gotten!!

A Blast From the Past!!

2009-08-12T10:47:00.005-06:00

I Want To Rip Someone's Eyes Out!

2009-08-12T09:49:00.006-06:00

I'm so irritable today I could rip someone's eyes out!! It's days like today that I need to be by myself on a sparsely populated island somewhere (you got to have staff) laying on the beach (although I really don't like sand), basking in the UVA/UVB free sun (but still getting a nice tan without the risk of skin cancer), sipping down a virgin pina colada, with my model like body (I wish), listening to the ocean waves hit the shore in peace and quiet while my hunky waiter with rock hard abs brings me a platter of delectable exotic fruits, and chocolate that wouldn't cause weight gain. Maybe I could even sneak in a little nap...oh, a nap would be so lovely. (A girl can dream can't she?)

It's days like today when the constant echo of bickering children makes me want to beat my head against a wall or rip my hair out. It's no wonder some mothers go crazy...the constant fighting of one's children is enough to drive anyone to the looney bin!! Oh, school couldn't come too soon!

Grocery Savings!!

2009-08-07T17:51:00.004-06:00

I went to Walmart today after taking quite a bit of time to gather my coupons and check all the ads of the local grocery stores. I made a list mostly based on those items, and wrote down how much the items that I needed to by were and at which places. My goal is to not have to go to a bunch of different stores for all the ads, and luckily Walmart price matches. Bread was on sale 3/$5, and Chocolate Milk for $2.29 a gallon at Reams. Yoplait yogurt 40 cents at Dick's. Butter $1.49 per lb., 8 pk bottles of diet Coke $2.50, and milk $1.50 at Smiths....you get the picture. I don't usually bring my ads in because I've never been questioned, but I wrote everything down. Anyway, when I price matched the yogurt the cashier obviously didn't believe that yogurt would be 40 cents - she was ok with 44 cents, which is what she thought it would be, but not 40 cents. So she went and tracked down all the local ads. I didn't care because I was telling her the truth, and I know it's her job to make sure customers are being honest. When she got back to the check stand and saw plain as day on the Dick's ad that yogurt was in fact 40 cents I think she felt kind of stupid. She didn't check one more thing I price matched so I could have told her any price I wanted at that point, but of course I was honest. After I handed her a hand full of coupons my total was $127 and some change. By price matching and using coupons I saved over $25, coupons alone saved me about $10.

I get my coupons in the mail with that local ads, which just started happening a couple of weeks ago. The others I get online. There are some great coupons out there...the best site I've found is www.couponmom.com and she has links to a BUNCH of other coupon sites on her site. There are exclusive RedPlum coupons that you won't find in the mail. I got one for $150 off ONE stick of deodorant. After the coupon it was only 75 cents. It's kind of exciting to see how much money you can save. My grandma was always a penny pincher...I should have used the things she taught me long ago - she never bought anything unless it was on sale and she had a coupon.

Pictues would have been nice, but I already had it all put away when I decided to write this blog. Sorry!

Another Mom update

2009-08-07T10:59:00.002-06:00

I talked to my mom last night and she told me she should be coming home today.

Mom Update

2009-08-05T10:58:00.003-06:00

I talked to my mom this morning, and she said that they sliced her open from pubic bone to breast bone, took out her intestines, and searched for a hole because air was getting in there somehow, which was causing all of the pain. Her surgery for her throat has to be put off until she gets some of her strength back, and she isn't sure when she's getting out. She's been off of the feeding tube since Sunday night, and they are putting it back in today. She's very tired, and resting.

Natural History Museum Monday

2009-08-04T21:48:00.006-06:00

On Monday I met Heather (my cousin's wife) at the Natural History Museum. Matthew, Madison, Ava, and Mia went. I thought it would be fun for the kids to get out and do something we haven't done before. The exhibits were pretty cool, and the kids had a fun time looking at everything. We didn't get to see everything because the girls were getting hungry and anxious to leave, but maybe we'll go back another time. Heather, I have a couple of pictures of Noah if you want me to send them to you...just send me an email.

The first exhibits we saw were of frogs, lots and lots of different kids of frogs.

Madison, Ava, Mia making frog soup!

I thought this was a cool display of butterflies. It's amazing how many different butterflies there are.

There were many different types of furry animals on display.

The Kids!!

Bear Lake

2009-08-04T21:24:00.010-06:00

The kids (Matthew didn't go with us, but I don't think he was too sad about it since he got to be home without any other kids around.) and I went to Bear Lake on Saturday. It was Raspberry Days so it was insanely crowded, but luckily due to some kind strangers we were able to get a great spot on the beach. The kids had a good time, and want to go back.
Madison, Dylan and Trevor heading into the waves.

Dylan playing in the sand. He played in the sand more than in the water. Then he filled the bucket with water and soaked his feet.

Madison striking a pose. She loves having her picture taken.

Trevor. He hates getting his picture taken so I'm lucky to have gotten this one.

Just one last picture. This is our other cat, Sarah. Every time I open up and pack a suitcase she climbs right in. I think she wants to go with us.
She's such a sweet kitty.

Friday's Happenings

2009-08-04T10:33:00.005-06:00

I've been trying to recover from our last weekend of camping. It's so much work and so exhausting that I'm still pooped out! I didn't take very many pictures this time, but we had fun. To start with Friday was more eventful than any of us would have liked, especially Madison. Madison, Dylan and I all went to the bathroom just before going to be. Walking up to the building we noticed about 7 or 8 large bodied spiders hanging in the windows outside. Something like this...

We were all grossed out and ran quickly passed them. Dylan and I went into one side of the girls bathrooms and Madison went into the other. Dylan took his turn, then it was mine. While sitting there with my pants to my knees a horrific scream vibrated off my ear drums. Madison started screaming, and screaming like she was being murdered or something. There were people waiting outside to use the facility and I was peeing so I wasn't as quick to move as I could have been otherwise, but what do you do? She started screaming, "There are spiders landing on me!!" in an obviously terrified tone. She had just sat down to use the toilet, so it was hard for her to move as quickly as well. She was trying to get her pants up, all the while freaking out. The screams continued until Trevor came over and opened her door a crack and asked what was wrong. She was crying and screaming that spiders were landing on her. At first I wasn't sure if she was just paranoid because we saw the spiders outside before going in, but as she was sitting on the toilet one spider landed in her hair and another on her foot. The poor little girl waiting outside to go in looked horrified, and I think most of us lost a portion of our hearing, especially Dylan and I with the sound bouncing off the walls inside the bathroom.

Well, Madison was okay, but for the rest of the trip she pretty much refused to use the bathroom. She used the bushes a couple of times, but had several accidents because she REFUSED to go back to that bathroom. I got her to go one time and I was with her. Since then she's been petrified that spiders are everywhere and is scared to go to bed. In our tent we made sure there weren't any spiders, zipped the tent up tight, and she and I shared a queen sized mattress, but she was still terrified those spiders would come get her again. Since being home she's still scared, and unfortunately last night I found two spiders, one was little and in my bathroom, the other was HUGE, and in the other bathroom upstairs. Madison was sleeping, but must have heard Craig and I talking and woke up freaked out about the spiders. I cant' say that I blame her for being scared, I've woken up a couple of times to a spider crawling on me, so I understand the fear, and being creeped out, but the girl has got to sleep!!

Emergency Surgery

2009-08-03T09:17:00.003-06:00

So it seems my poor mom just can't catch a break! She was taken to the emergency room yesterday by my dad and Noelle. It was thought that she had an infection where her feeding tube is. My grandma said that she was there until 2:30 a.m. and she seemed okay, and was able to talk to the nurses, but was in a lot of pain.

Another Mom update

2009-07-30T07:02:00.003-06:00

Ok, so the latest is that she will have surgery next Thursday (a week from today). This surgery involves going through the throat and removing the muscle that controls the opening and closing of the esophagus because it has completely restricted access to her stomach. The down side is now it will always be open and food is going to come back up, but at least she'll be able to eat and get rid of the 24/7 feeding tube, and move on with her life.

Now for my dad...he has a deep vein blood clot in his leg so he's laid up in bed too. He has to give himself shots in his stomach, which he told my mom are very painful. My parents are falling apart, and they aren't even that old!!

2009-07-29T21:11:00.004-06:00

My mind is so fuzzy this week that I can't even remember people's names - people I should remember, but when I go to say it, there's nothing there, I'm dumb founded. Needless to say, it's been hard to organize my thoughts well enough to post a blog, but I've had some things on my mind. So I'll try. My thoughts are a bit scattered however!

I've realized I can't control what people think of me, despite my intentions other people will still have their opinions of me, they will still have their own perceptions. It used to really bother me, but I've found a little peace in accepting I can't control how others perceive me so all I can do is be me, and stay away from the people that are uncomfortable with who that is. I've given up on trying to explain myself, or to fit in where I obviously don't. I've branched out making more contact with people in my neighborhood, people that are down to earth and easy to talk to because they aren't too afraid to talk about how they feel or the hard times that they might be experiencing. They are down to earth.

It's those people I'm the most comfortable with, everything they do or think isn't consumed by religion or the lack there of. They are normal people with a lot of the same struggles I have, and aren't scared to talk about them. It's people that act like their lives are perfect that really bother me...it's like come on, everyone has their struggles and issues so don't look at me like you are so damn perfect!! I'm a say it as it is type of person when it comes to my life. I think I get that from my mom, she got up once in church in front of the whole congregation and said she'd had a crappy marriage then "Oh come on, you think it, I say it." and everyone chuckled because it's so true! (a story told to me by one of her ward member friends) It's a quality I think most people love about her, at least that's what her friends tell me. I don't think it's necessary to sugar coat things...being honest opens the door for others to feel comfortable enough to say, "I've felt the same way." or "I've had similar struggles." It helps other people feel like they aren't alone in having an imperfect life.

I think sometimes we perceive other's perceptions of us based on our own insecurities and doubts. Not always, but sometimes, at least that's what I do. How do you know how someone really perceives you if they don't tell you? I have a hard time figuring it out so with certain people I become really sensitive to little things because of how I perceive they perceive me. With some I've come to the conclusion I'm not someone they would ever pick as a friend, and have decided to move on to different things - stop putting energy in where it's not wanted kind of thing. Although, every now and then the idealist in me thinks maybe what I want is possible, only to come to the same conclusions I've come to before. I need to learn to trust my instincts more instead of doubting them. I could kick myself sometimes for letting my guard down just enough to think maybe there's a chance....darn it, what is wrong with me?? When am I going to learn?

Sibling Rivalry

2009-07-28T14:36:00.004-06:00

Why is it that some siblings just can't get along? My older boys are always at each other's throats, constant name calling, insults, and blows to each other's self-esteem. The two of them are so different; Trevor more self-involved, outgoing, and oppositional. Matthew has a very compassionate heart, is introverted, and obedient, but has a very short fuse. Their interests are so different, and so are their temperaments. I just don't know why they can't just accept the other the way they are instead of constantly picking at each other. Now that they are older the fights get more physical...I was at Nate's drying some laundry (our dryer broke) and got a call from Dylan telling me the boys were fighting. All I could hear was the screaming. Finally they physically separated from each other and Matthew was struggling to breath - Trevor had been holding him down pressing on his abdomen while Matthew tried to claw his way out of his grip. Matthew was so upset/injured that he started throwing up. UGH!!!!! Trevor ended up with a lot of scratches all over his body.

My sister and I didn't get along growing up. I suffered from constant insults and physical attacks. She was mean, and a bully. I resented her, and am sure I started some of the fights, but she was definitely always on the attack. In our later years she has told me that she acted that way because she HATED me for being alive (although I am older) because she felt that I was loved more. Maybe that is why my boys fight so much...maybe they are jealous of some of the qualities the other possess. I can see that Matthew might resent the "problems" Trevor has and how difficult he is to deal with. I can see that he resents the constant insults and put downs, maybe he feels Trevor is loved more, etc. Maybe Trevor feels the same about Matthew, since he is much easier to deal with it may seem he's not getting in trouble as much. When are kids going to figure out that their parents love them all the same amount, some are just easier to get along with. I have had them in counseling a couple of times, but nothing seems to work. I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do anymore! I literally can't go anywhere without the two of them fighting, the slander always turns into a fist fight and I'm sick of being referee!!

Uncle Lenn

2009-07-27T23:42:00.003-06:00

My uncle Lenn left this world a few weeks ago, so I thought I'd say a few words about him. My other siblings have posted the obituary so I didn't want to post it again, instead I'd like to share a memory I have of him. He was such a good, thoughtful man. He lived with us for a while when I was growing up, I think I was in Jr. high at the time. I didn't have the best of grades so he told me he'd pay me for my grades, and he did. $4 for an A, $3 for a B, $2 for a C. He always encouraged me to be educated and talked a lot about how important having an education is. He took me once to the Spaghetti Factory in Salt Lake, and it was the first time I had ever been there. It was just the two of us sitting and chatting. He had such a kind heart, and cared so much about the people in his life. I hadn't seen him a very long time until the death of his wife, but talked to him a couple of times on the phone. I hate that the last time I saw him was at his wife's funeral, but happy to say that I was there to show my support for him. Goodbye Uncle Lenn for now, we will see you again.

The Cinnabun

2009-07-26T19:41:00.005-06:00

I tried making cinnamon rolls when I was first attempting to make bread and they didn't turn out so well. I made them again using the Amish white bread recipe, which turned out pretty well, and everyone seemed to like them, but they were no Cinnabun. Today I looked up recipes online that were supposed to be clones of the Cinnabun. The one I tried Mmmmmm! So good!

Just cut into pieces and ready to rise!
Risen, ready to bake.
Finished product!!
Music to my taste buds. Oh, so good!!

Another Mom update

2009-07-21T15:49:00.002-06:00

My mom had the feeding tube put in yesterday. She is doing fine and will be in the hospital for another day or so. Once she's out she'll have a home health nurse come help her with the feeding tube. At least now she'll be able to get some nutrients into her body...one of the things that sucks though is that the best part of eating is enjoying the taste of things, with a tube you miss all of that!! BUMMER!!

Weekend Adventures (Sunday)

2009-07-20T21:01:00.017-06:00

On Sunday we packed up camp and headed to Timpanogos cave. Dylan was very disappointed that we weren't able to go to the cave on Saturday, and it was free National Parks weekend so I wanted to go while it was free. It was a long drive but very pretty, and we were able to see where a lot of campgrounds were that we'd like to stay at. I think the next time we go that way we'll just take a day trip (maybe) to see Cascade springs, we didn't have enough time to go that way this time. Anyway, we made it to Timpinogos and found out it wasn't free for the tours, and the only way you can get into the cave is to take a tour. After some discussion I decided to go ahead and pay for the tour. We ate lunch then headed up the mountain to the cave. OH MY GOSH!!!! I don't remember it being so hard!! I thought I was going to die! It might not have been so bad if I didn't have little kids that were dying too. Dylan is so slow to do anything and he moved like a snail. Madison wasn't much better. People kept passing us, one after another. Kids smaller than mine passed us without a problem. About 1/2 way up I thought I had made a big mistake, but we kept plugging along and finally made it to the top. It took us 1 hour 30 minutes, but we finally made it. It was so hot, maybe if the heat hadn't been so bad it wouldn't have been as difficult, but the heat made the cave feel so good at a cool 45 degrees. Other people on the tour were freezing...not me it was awesome, I didn't want to leave it felt so good!!

The only picture I took on the way up!

We finally made it! Waiting for the tour to begin. Doesn't Trevor look SO happy?

Walking through the cave.

Random cave pictures.

This is called the St. Bernard. Can you see the nose, head and ears?

WOW! The cave tour is over! I look like CRAP, but remember we were camping so I opted for no make up or flat irons!!

View on the way down. Isn't it beautiful?

This next two pictures are a little graphic. As we were coming down the mountain we saw a bit of the ugly part of nature.
We think it's a rattle snake, and it had caught a poor little chipmunk for dinner. If you look close enough you can see the head of the snake with the head of the chipmunk in its mouth! Eww!

Another picture of the snake.

Matthew and Madison posing by this cool rock formation on the way down.

Matthew, Madison, and Dylan. Trevor had taken off without us, but we found him stopped by some rangers a little ways down. Kids under 16 aren't supposed to be without an adult.

After we came down the mountain we were all wiped. Dylan, Matthew, and I had blisters on our feet. Nothing terrible, but not fun either. That is the end of our weekend full of adventures.

Weekend Adventures (Saturday)

2009-07-19T22:35:00.003-06:00

On Saturday we went to Bridal Veil falls and it was so pretty. The kids had fun climbing the rocks.

After the falls we drove up to go see Timponogos Cave, but there was a two hour wait, and it was HOT, so we decided to stop at a park for lunch, then headed to Utah lake, which was just right down the street (literally) from our campsite. The kids really enjoyed themselves especially with the paddle boat we rented for $35 for three hours, not bad! Trevor also rented a kayak, which was more fun than the paddle boat I think, but we only had that for an hour. We spent the day in the sun and we have the sunburns to prove it. Even with a gallon of SPF 50 we all got burned. We should have reapplied more often. My entire forehead is red, with a little on my legs and shoulders. I think Madison got it the worst, her back and shoulders are crispy. Dylan's face really is the only thing that he got, same with Trevor and Matthew. My boys wear shirts in the water so the were pretty well covered.

Dylan and Matthew on the paddle boat.
Madison playing in the water with a friend she made at the lake.
Dylan playing in the water.

They found a huge log that they floated on, and dragged around all day. It was a great floatation device!!

Weekend Adventures (Friday)

2009-07-19T22:02:00.013-06:00

The kids and I went camping this weekend in Provo. We invited some friends of ours to join us, which they did for Friday night, and Saturday, but headed home Sat. night. To start with we had a fire at our campsite - not a campfire, but a brush fire. Trevor and his friend were on a walk on the Provo river front trail, when his friend decided to light some of the cotton that was on the ground from the cottonwood trees. Well, I don't think he expected for it so spread like it did. It spread quickly, Trevor ran and got us from the pool, and we headed back to our campsite thinking it was a fire in our campsite, but soon realized it was all behind the trail, and it has spread quite a ways. Soon, the fire dept showed up, and once they were there the fire was quickly put out. Trevor was freaked out, and his friend took off somewhere and hid. I think he was pretty scared about what was going to happen to him, and felt really bad about what happened. Luckily he came back on his own, and the camp owners soon came over and had a little chat with him about what he had done. I really think it was an accident....he didn't realize what would happen.

Some of the emergency vehicles and smoke.
Dylan watching the fire.

More smoke.

Mom Update

2009-07-16T18:00:00.002-06:00

Ok, so today's news is that she is going to have to be put on a feeding tube until they can fix her throat issue. The feeding tube however can't be put in until Monday so from now until then she has to go to the hospital everyday to be fed intravenously, which takes about four hours. Ugh!

Mom's Surgery Today

2009-07-15T17:56:00.002-06:00

So, this isn't a happy post. She is fine, but not very happy because they weren't able to find the tube that leads to her stomach. Three surgeons looking at things specialist, after specialist, and they couldn't find where all the food is going. At this point she can only eat lettuce, and watermelon, and is having a really hard time drinking anything. My grandma told me she is really upset....she just wants to be able to eat, and drink, and get on with her life.

The little Genius

2009-07-14T19:52:00.004-06:00

It's a big joke now that Dylan is on his meds that he turns into a little genius child. When he's not on them he's a devil child, but once those meds kick in he likes to organize things, for hours might I add. He has played with cards for days sorting and organizing them by color, or number, or whatever else. I do mean hours, like ALL DAY! He sorts his cars by type and lays them all out. In the last few days he's taken all of the heads off of his action figures and put them back on...I'm not sure what that is all about. He has also been back to playing the Wii and will play the same game over and over until he gets the score he wants. He's been so much easier to entertain since he entertains himself now days woth all the card sorting, and what now. He's like a little evil genius sometimes. I can see the wheels in his head plotting his next evil move.

One bad thing about his meds is the rebound effect. He is 10 times worse - throwing things, screaming like a litle girl, attacking his siblings. Ugh!!

p.s. Wha ha ha ha to all of those with their pictures posted on my blog.........you have a better one send it to me.

Family Shindig!!

2009-07-13T11:49:00.011-06:00

The oldest of the children in my family, Justin, is in town for a few weeks with his family. Kelli got here last Wednesday so we were all together except for one missing Grandchild, Nate's oldest, Taden. It's rare for all of us to be together so it was fun to get together and visit. I took some pictures of all us "children" so those of you who haven't seen us for a long time can see what we all look like now. Well, all but me, but Justin took a few so maybe if I can get a copy I will add my picture as well.

I'll start with my Grandparents

Grandpa (Les Ford)

Grandma (Ruth Ford)

Justin

Me - this was my profile picture, and is almost a year old, but it's the best one there is.

Noelle

Nathan

Lindsey

Mom

Sorry, no pictures of my dad. I'm not sure if he was sitting at the table when I was taking pictures or if he was even here at the time. He wasn't feeling well so he got here a little late and left a little early.

Pretty for Church

2009-07-13T11:40:00.005-06:00

The girls stayed the night on Saturday night, and Ava's been asking me for a while if she can go to church with us. Typically she goes home before I go to church, but this week I decided it would be okay. Ava LOVES going to church and getting dressed up.

If you're taking pictures of one kid, you've got to include the others. So, Madison and Dylan all dressed up too!

A little Laundry Anyone?

2009-07-11T15:33:00.005-06:00

You can't deny that this is the cutest laundry you will ever find! Who knew laundry baskets could be so entertaining. They fought however over which color was theirs. Mia was happy in either one, but Ava had to have a specific one, and at times thought she needed both!

Mia was trying to give Ava a hug in this picture, but Ava wasn't liking the idea too mcuh.

Homemade BREAD!!

2009-07-11T14:46:00.004-06:00

Well, I was inspired by a fellow blogger (actually two) to make my own bread. The first batch I made was not good. What I had were a couple of bricks that ended up in the garbage (sorry no pictures of those). The next batch wasn't as bad, but still not right. I let it rise too long because I was distracted by taking care of kids. The third batch I tried the next day and PERFECT (almost). I was so happy about my stomach was doing flips!

This is Amish White bread, and a really easy recipe. My kids loved it. The one thing I will do different next time is not to cook it so long. I lost track of time and forgot to set the timer, but it was still moist and soft.

2 Cups warm water
2/3 cup sugar
1 1/2 Tbls yeast

1/4 vegetable oil
1 1/2 tsp salt
6 cups of flour

mix the water and sugar together and let the sugar desolve. Then mix in the yeast. Let it sit to become a milky foam for about 10 min. or so. Add the salt the the flour one cup at a time. I don't have a big kitchen aid mixer so I was using my hand mixer with the bread hook attachments, and it worked great. By the time I needed to add the last cup of floor it was getting pretty thick so I kneaded the last 1/2 cup in.

Knead for 8 - 10, put in a well greased bowl and toss a few times to coat. Cover with a damp cloth and let it rise until double in bulk. I heated my oven to 170 degrees, then turned it off and put the bowl in the oven. It helped speed of the rising action.

Punch down and knead for a few minutes. split into two equal parts and let rise until double or 1 inch above the pan. Make sure your bread pans are greased. I just used cooking spray. I do the same thing when letting the bread rise again. Once they are double in bulk I pulled them out of the oven to heat to 350 degrees then cooked for 30 minutes.

YUMMM! Especially right out of the oven when it's warm and the butter just melts on the bread...it also made the house smell so good!! Happy Baking!

July 4th!

2009-07-11T14:30:00.005-06:00

Ok, so this is a bit late, but I hadn't downloaded the pictures of my camera yet. I didn't take very many, I almost always have my camera with me, just forget to take them. Anyway, first thing in the morning I woke up to bag pipes. The Layton Parade lines up along Gentile, which we are right off of so we get a lot of people lining up down our street as well. Every year the band, cheerleaders, flag people, and bag pipes practice right in front of our house. The bag pipes usually off in the abandoned lot next door to us.

This picture is of the bag pipe players who happened to be practicing right next to my bedroom window! I always wear earplugs so I didn't find it too disturbing.

The other pictures are just of some of the people in the parade waiting for it to start.

We go to the Kaysville parade every year with my family, so we have to be sure to be out of here before we can't get out of our driveway. I think the Kaysville parade is the parade most of us go to even my cousins who might not live in Kaysville or close to. This year Justin and Alysha and their kids (minus Kelli) were here visiting from the Netherlands so all, but Kelli and Taden of the grand kids were there for the parade. The kids collected lots of loot, Madison snagging a big fluffy stuffed dog, Scotty a tie, and Justin a little bear that he gave to Mia. I think most of us also caught some necklaces Taco Time threw out. All in all the parade was pretty good this year.

After the parade we went to Grandma's house for lunch. It was a nice time visiting with the cousins, and eating lots of yummy food. The kids and I also went to my parents house for the fireworks since we can see them from the front lawn (also a tradition.)

Road Trip

2009-07-10T13:01:00.007-06:00

Sometimes when I'm in the car by myself and it's been a particularly bad day, or I've had a lot going on I imagine myself just driving, driving past the freeway exit to my house. Just driving to nowhere in particular, just driving and going where the road takes me. Maybe taking a road I've never been on and exploring those lands. I think about where I would stay, how I would survive on the items I have in my car. Sometimes I think about finding a spot in the mountains and just being in the wilderness with no one to answer to but myself, and God. It's an escape from reality, and the stress of the world. I think of it as an opportunity to find some spiritual solace.

I wonder what it would be like to live in a different place, making new friends, creating a new life. How would it be to start over from scratch and become someone else, reinvent myself in a new place with new people that don't have expectations of me? Erase the past and create a new one with the new experiences in a new life. Doesn't it sound nice sometimes?

Then I remember that it's definitely not possible and really it's just a fantasy. I have far too many responsibilities and people counting on me. Maybe if I was single and childless. Although, I'd never change the opportunity I've had to be a wife and mother. So I just imagine it when I'm day dreaming and trying to forget mistakes I've made, and the responsibilities I might find overwhelming that day.

Now if I do turn up missing it's because I'm really missing, not that I've run away because I would never do that!!

I Hear Myself in My Children

2009-07-10T12:50:00.003-06:00

Ok, so Ava isn't technically mine, but she's here all the time so that's how I'm referring to her in the post. Yesterday, she came to me and said, "Can I dance on Madison's dance pad?" I told her she could as long as Madison said it was okay because it's hers and she was playing on it at the time. So a minute later I hear loudly, "Mom said I could dance on the dance pad if you said it's okay." she stated then finished with, "Understand?" very sternly. "Understand?"

It made me laugh because that is what I say to my kids when I'm giving them a warning about something and ask if they understand so there isn't any argument about it later. Again this morning she was saying something and I heard, "Understand?" in a very stern voice.

I hear myself more in Ava than my other kids for the most part right now. She's just such a parrot and repeats everything people say. Sometimes I say things and think, "That sounded just like my mother! Scary!" You know the "because I said so," "did you get your chores done?" "is it my kind of clean or your kind of clean?" I'm sure there are others I say as well. I guess I did become my mother in some ways. As a kid I think a lot of us swear not to be like our mother's, but it seems inevitable! There's no escaping!!

Surprise!!

2009-07-07T22:20:00.004-06:00

My cousin Vanessa, who does beautiful work, is coming to Utah! She is booking 15 slots for anyone that is interested in having a session with her. You've got to check out her website and the work that she does. Simply AMAZING!!

http://vanessazinkephoto.com/

Get a spot before they are all gone!! I for one am in desperate need of a new family photo!

Alien Abduction??

2009-07-06T23:07:00.003-06:00

I wasn't quite sure what to title this post, but had this thought about UFO's and alien abductions as I was writing in my journal. I was thinking about how others view my beliefs and thought about how if someone came to me and told me they had been abducted by aliens I would think they were as crazy as non-believers think of me. It's something you have to experience for yourself, and as my cousin Doug said, it's not something that can be recreated. No matter how hard someone might try to explain how they felt about being abducted by aliens I would have doubts in my mind about the truthfulness of their story, and might even think they need a mental institution because they are clearly delusional. I'm sure that is how people of other religions view my beliefs, and Atheists for sure probably think those that believe in God are delusional.

What it all boils down to is faith. We may not have visions of God or of aliens for that matter, but we have those feelings that are very personal, and often cannot be described in a way anyone else will understand.

So what does it hurt that someone believes they were abducted by aliens? What does it hurt that someone believes in God or in a religion someone else may not understand? How does it hurt any of us? Really it doesn't. I don't care if Joe down the block thinks he was abducted by aliens and had some experimental brain transplant. It doesn't affect my life any, and I will still think of him as a human being with his own thoughts and beliefs, and who cares?

I think what bothers me the most is that people look at me like I'm just so naive, brainwashed, and unintelligent to believe what I do. Joe down the block obviously had some experience that led him to his beliefs no matter how outrageous they seem to me. It is the same for me. I've obviously had experiences in my life that were not imagined that led me to believe what I do. Just because others may not have had those same experiences, spiritual experience, doesn't mean what I believe is wrong.

One thing that I've found helpful in making sense of all of the differences we all have is a conversation I had with a psychologist. We all can be at the same event, see the same thing, but we all come away with a different meaning. Every person gives an event a meaning, and they may be different for each person. We could all see that UFO in the sky clear as day, and maybe even the appearance of an alien, but we may not all see it in the same light. I might think it was some special effects show, while someone else sees it as real, and who is to know or to say who is right?

Finding Acceptance

2009-07-05T21:50:00.009-06:00

I am the only one of five children, and my husband is the only member of his family that claims to be Mormom. Sometimes it's hard to be the minority especially when I know they think we're stupid for believing in a religion they all think is a farce. Some think I'm stupid for believing such nonsense that God even exists. It's a fantacy we make up to help ourselves feel better. We live and we die, how dare I think there is life after death? Being the minority has caused me to feel even more like the outsider in certain situations, especially when everyone is siting around sipping down their boos and we're drinking our water. I don't know, I just find it uncomfortable, especially with our kids around.

I've struggled for some time with what I believe, I've questioned it more I think because of the fact that I am in the minority. I've felt a lot of confusion and lack of desire to attend church, and even when I was in church it was so hard for me to feel the spirit, which made it even more confusing and harder to go. I remembered when I was a young woman, and how my testimony seemed unwavering. I felt the spirit then all of the time. As a Young Woman I never would have thought I would find myself feeling like I have. If someone would have told me that down the road I'd feel the way I have I would have told them they were crazy, that there was no way I would ever struggle with my testimony.

I think I've focused so much on what my family thinks of me, or what my husband's family thinks of us that I forgot what was really important. I've worried about people thinking I'm a nut case and just never really understanding what I'm all about. I have an idea in my head of who I am, but I really don't think people get who or what that is. That's something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember, but have found it so much more frustrating in the last few years. Over the last few weeks, and especially today I realized that I've been looking in all of the wrong places. I've been looking for acceptance and understanding from all the wrong people. I was feeling like no one would ever understand me, but today it became clear to me that this whole time there has been someone. Someone that has never left my side, or made me feel stupid, or like I was less of a person for the mistakes I've made or for what I believe.

God understands who we are and accepts us. We don't have to explain ourselves, or go out of our way to impress Him. Sure we should be living a Christlike life, but He loves us anyway, even when we make mistakes. He KNOWS WHO WE ARE AND HE LOVES US! He Loves us so much that He sent His Son to sacrifice his life for us. All this time, all the energy, and frustration, was for nothing because I've had all I've needed this whole time I just wasn't looking in the right place. Maybe it wasn't for nothing, maybe I needed to have that struggle to really feel that acceptance, and to appreciate it even more.

I don't think it makes it any easier to be the minority especially when you are being looked at like you are so unintelligent to be "brainwashed" into believing in something others don't. To that I have to say that I am accepting of their beliefs, and I don't judge them, nor do I think they are unintelligent because they don't believe what I believe. I ask for the same respect. (I don't understand, why non-members get so huffy and puffy about what Mormons believe when Mormons could care less about what they believe and respect their rights to religious freedom.)

So, my brother asked me once what would happen if I were to die and find out what I believe is wrong. To that I said this: I will have led a good life trying to give service, free of addictions, with no regret for living the way I had. I would have given service, and taught my children to be good human beings. So what if I were to die and find out I was wrong? What would I have missed out on? Drinking parties, drugs, promiscuity, and STD's? If that's all I'd miss out on I'm not missing a thing. It wouldn't change a thing.

Updates!

2009-07-02T11:50:00.003-06:00

Miss Mia had her well check on Friday. She's a whopping 21 pounds which is only the 10th percentile for her age, and she is only at the 29th percentile for her height and head. She didn't get the big noggin Ava got!! She is such a tiny little thing. Poor girl had to get FIVE shots! She was a little behind and that caught her all up! I felt bad for her as they stuck shot after shot in, but once they gave her a sucker all was good and the tears stopped. She's saying more and more words and can ask now to watch the DVD of her mama.

Ava is pretty moody. She can be so good, but she can also be so naughty and grouchy - it really all depends on her mood. The other day (I wish I had pictures of this) she was telling Mia to lay down, Mia complied. Then she changed Mia's diaper and was trying to dress her. It was the cutest thing EVER! She talks so sweetly to her sister most of the time. Where one is in trouble the other is soon to follow!

Dylan is struggling with being out of school. He was okay until about three weeks ago, but now he is just awful!! He is grouchy, mean, and just plain miserable to be around now days. I was talking to him this morning about why he's been so grumpy and he said he misses his school. Really when he is in school he is so much better behaved, and I'm praying they will give him all day kindergarten, he needs it and he's almost six so there isn't any reason he couldn't handle it. He is taking medication for his ADHD and his dose was just increased two days ago. So far today he is acting a little better, but there is a lot of room for improvement. He has grown 1/4 of an inch in the last two months.

Madison, well there really isn't anything new with her. She's growing, playing, and just being her. Matthew is about the same. He is once again selling Kool-aid this year on the corner. He does pretty well, but this year has been a bit slower.

Trevor is hitting a growth spurt gaining I'm not sure how much in height, but has lost 8 pounds (which is a good thing). He is doing much better with his medication and back to his normal self of hanging out with friends and being happier. His voice is changing and squeaks a lot, which always makes me laugh. I kind of make fun of it, and he laughs and just says he can't help it.

That's about it! I love my kids!

Swimming with the Kids

2009-07-02T11:18:00.011-06:00

The kids were climbing the walls yesterday so I decided to take them to the Clearfield Aquatic Center. Dragging 6 kids isn't very easy especially when Ava is being a little stinker. She was difficult about going in then difficult about leaving, but was pretty good while we were there.

The older kids are old enough to go off and do their own thing, so I really only had the girls and Dylan to keep an eye on. Dylan is almost six so he doesn't have to be watched like a hawk, but I still like to be able to see where he is. He gets pretty daring about going into deeper waters, which makes me nervous.

I stuck both of the girls in floaties so it was easier for me to keep track of them. I just pushed them around the pool. Mia wasn't so sure at first, but once I got in and was right there with her she was fine.

Dylan taking hold of both tubes so I could snap a shot!

Ava making her pretty face. She makes this face where she puts her bottom jaw in front of the top, and it makes her look really mean so while we were swimming I was telling her it was an ugly face when she'd do it. Then when she'd smile pretty I'd tell her it was a pretty face.

Mia is just so happy and easy going most of the time. She loved the water, especially the little kiddie pool that was outside. It was much more shallow so they were able to get out of their floaties and walk around. Mia thought that was the best and climbed all over me like a monkey. That must be what she was in a previous life because I'm telling you she climbs on everything and holds on to me sometimes like a monkey would. Arms and legs wrapped around my body, and you have to shake her off.

2009-07-01T10:37:00.002-06:00

I've never been one to hold a grudge. I think it hurts yourself more than the person you are hating, it can eat you up inside, and bring such unhappiness to your life. I've never really been bitter or angry about things that happened in my childhood, always figured my parents did the best they knew how for being very young parents. I guess with never being one to harbor negative feelings towards someone it seems strange to me how hard it has been to be as forgiving and accepting of my father in the last couple of years. My feelings towards him have nothing to do with my childhood, but how things were handled a couple of years ago.

I don't carry around anger or ill will, but more of a disconnect from the fact that he happened to have helped create me biologically. Biology is the only thing that ties me to him. He never really played a father role in my life, didn't take care of me when I was sick, didn't attended or really participate in anything I was involved in. I'm not saying he has never done anything for me because as I've become older he has babysat once or twice and helped with getting me to and from a car repair shop now and again, and let me borrow his car when needed. He did drive one of our big moving trucks to Moab when we moved, so I do recognize things that he has done, but when it has really mattered all I've been is disappointed. When it's been about being supportive and selfless, that's not something I can say about my father.

I'm not sure why I'm blogging about this. I think its a because of a blog I read posted by one of my cousins about his father. It got me thinking about how I feel about mine, and how I wish I could say that when I needed something my father would be there for me, like my cousin can say about his despite a not so good relationship.

Laughter: Medicine for the Soul!

2009-06-30T14:04:00.003-06:00

I have a visiting teaching partner that I just love. We visit some great ladies that I also love. Some people may dread visiting teaching and think of it as a chore, but I enjoy going and visiting with people that are similar in the way we handle things. They talk about having feelings, and insecurities, and we can laugh about the crazy things in our lives. I always feel uplifted and lighter after visiting with my partner and the ladies we see. They always make me laugh and feel like I'm normal. How I feel about things isn't unlike anyone else. I always come away with a smile on my face, and have a happier heart and renewed desire to be a better person. Did I say we laugh? We laugh a lot. We laugh at how ridiculous we are. We laugh at the things we say to our kids, the fact that we don't look like we once used to, and many other things. I love laughing, and being around people that are open and genuine that make me laugh. Thanks for the laughter and for being such great examples to me ladies!!

Meeting Up Again!

2009-06-29T22:45:00.003-06:00

I'm really happy today because I've been able to be in contact with someone I had lost contact with for a while. We lived by each other in Clearfield, and served together as team teachers in primary for a year or two. We became friends, and I've always quite liked SanDee. I've always felt she has accepted me for who I am, crazy or not - although she's missed a lot of the crazy in the last year! :) It's through the wonders of facebook that we've met up again! I'm so so pumped and excited to get together again and hang out!! We have boys that are the same age and are friends, not only are they friends, but they have a lot of the same struggles with ADHD and moodiness, so it makes it even better. After chatting with her today I found out they have the same psychologist as well. We have a lot in common with our kids and such. I'm trying to talk her into camping with us, but I think she's a little worried not to go with her husband. It's not scary!! I've missed my friend!

Mom Update Revised

2009-06-29T17:14:00.003-06:00

Ok, so I was talking to my mom telling her I had posted an update about how much food makes it to her stomach, and she said it's more like 25% of her stomach not 10%. Whatever it is it isn't a lot!! Then she can't eat very many things because it either gets caught in her throat or she gets the runs. I like to eat too much to have such a limited diet!! She has an appointment with the ENT on July 9th.

Sleeping

2009-06-24T13:38:00.007-06:00

I wish it was easy for me to fall asleep as it is for kids. One day last week Ava wasn't feeling really great and was really cranky. She wanted to sit on my lap, but I was right in the middle of doing something so I told her to go sit in the chair, and I would be there in a minute. When I looked over at her about 10 minutes later this is what I found.

She slept like that for about an hour. She woke up at one point and cried, but then fell back to sleep in the chair again.

Summer Vacations

2009-06-22T23:20:00.006-06:00

Ok, this is a pathetic thing to blog about, but it's all I've been thinking about lately. All I want to do lately is get out of here, do something adventurous, go somewhere fun, and peaceful, so I've been doing a lot of searching for things for the kids and I to do. The least expensive is probably camping except for the trip we had planned to stay in the teepees, but I canceled that because after further investigation, I'm not sure it was a good idea. I'm not sure we would all fit comfortably without bedtime fighting (because they'd have to share beds), and it just wouldn't be worth it to me to spend all that time driving, plus the money to have it be a huge hassle, which I'm guessing it would be. My kids just cannot sleep in the same beds!! It would be like World War II, and we might end up with a man or two down. I'd rather not have to haul a corpse back home! HAHAHAAHAH!

So anyway, I've been investigating other options and found that the National Parks Service has free days during the summer to get in. The one in July is the 17th and 18th, and there is one in august that is the same week, I think it's the third weekend. So, I've planned a trip around that to Timpanogos Cave, the only bad thing is it's the next trip I have planned, and it's three or four weekends away!! That's three more weeks before we can get out of here!!! We also have a trip planned at the end of July to Logan, and another in August to Spanish Fork. I just like getting away, and I have a little more freedom to do that this year now that the kids are older.

Craig doesn't camp so he doesn't ever go with us, plus he works weekends, and honestly I'd rather go without him. It's just the teasing of the kids, and rowdiness that I don't like (the usual dad things). Not that it wouldn't be good for him to go, but he's more of a prince, can't live without the internet, or a nice comfy bed in an air conditioned house, kind of guy. I'm used to doing things on my own, and actually I like it. It gives me a sense of independence and accomplishment. I've always said I don't need a man, and I don't NEED a man. I do all the man jobs in our house, and rarely ask him to help me with things other than to open something I can't or move something heavy. I like having him around to help me with the kids though, to be a good dad, and to keep us on the right track. I have a hard time going to church sometimes, and he keeps me going most of the time. I don't know what it is, not that I don't believe in it, I just want to be a hermit I guess.

So that's my ramble of the day. Interesting, huh?

Mom Update

2009-06-20T15:09:00.003-06:00

So, I've told you all that my mom has this thing with her throat where she can't really eat, and chokes easily. It's a pocket that food gets stuck in, and really it is disgusting. Anyway, she had to do a barium swallow so they could see just how large the pocket is, and the radiologist said he's seen a lot of diverticula, but hers if by far the most impressive he has seen. Only something like 10% of the food she eats actually makes it to her stomach, the rest gets caught in that pocket then she coughs it all up. I know, it really is GROSS!! Anyway, she is trying to have surgery on it as soon as possible because she's practically starving to death, and I think it's a lot of why she is having such a difficult time getting her strength back.

My Big Fat Dog Part III

2009-06-19T14:32:00.004-06:00

So, I took my big fat dog to the vet today to have x-rays on his legs because he is struggling to go up the stairs. He was weighed and the big dog lost 8 pounds!! 8 Pounds in just under two months isn't bad at all!! That was the good news....

He has torn the ACL in both of his knees, and it will cost minimum $1500 for each leg to be repaired. Arhtritis has developed, which is causing his knees to thicken. I feel bad that there isn't anyway I can pay $3000 for him to get his knees fixed. He is only going on five, and has so much life left in him, and his years would be so much happier if he had surgery. Trevor went with me to the vet so he heard everything. I explained that if Cody gets to where he can't walk or whatever, then we will have to put him to sleep so he doesn't suffer. He told me if I did that then he will never forgive me, that I need to pay for him to have surgery. How do you explain to kids that there isn't enough money to fix their pet?

For now we are giving our BIG FAT DOG some pain medication, walking him, and trying to get more weight off, which will help his knees last longer, and not be so painful. UGH! Poor dog!

Another thing the vet told me was that Big Fat Dog's thyroid was so low when we had it tested that it couldn't even be measured! Now that is pathetic!! POOR DOG!! His fur is much softer now and actually has some sheen to it whereas before it was so dry and dull. He is a good dog so I hope he gets feeling better soon.

I love pets, and have had all sorts of pets since I was young. Since we've been married I've had a bird, ferret, two dogs, and two cats. Growing up I had different species of hamsters, and dogs. I can't imagine a house without some kind of pet, but its always hard when you have to let them go. For our Big Fat Dog, he may still have many good years left in his knees if we can get the weight off and slow down the arthritis, which is what I'm hoping will happen. The vet said it all depends on genetics.

Camping With the Kids

2009-06-16T21:36:00.008-06:00

The kids and I went camping this past weekend and stayed at the South Fork campground just east of Huntsville. It was so pretty, and peaceful with the Ogden river right next to us. There were a couple different trails to hike, and so much nature to look at.

Trevor was our fire starter. We had a hard time keeping the fire going the first day but had a roaring blaze the second. There's nothing like sitting around a hot fire in the dark cold night.

Dylan had a really fun time, and was on the go almost the whole time. He wanted to go hike the same trail over and over again. He was very well behaved almost the entire time.

Matthew and Madison coming back from a hike.

We had a lot of hummingbirds flying around. It was hard to get a good picture because every time I'd get the camera out they'd fly away. They were a bit camera shy. If you look hard in the center of the picture you can see the hummingbird sucking the nectar out of a flower.

The kids and I went on a hike and I decided to climb up the mountain. It was pretty steep, and I didn't get the entire way up because the kids started freaking out, but this is a picture I got from where I ended up. It is such a beautiful place.

Saturday afternoon we had a prarie dog visit our campsite, and since we don't see those things very often we enjoyed watching it and feeding it some bread.

I filmed a bit of it. It's just over two minutes so you may not want to watch the whole thing, but if you listen closely you can hear all of the birds chirping in the background. It was so serene.

It was such a nice time other than I froze both nights. I had a really crappy sleeping bag, and so did Matthew and it got cold Saturday night. I slept in my jeans, long sleeved shirt, coat, and I wrapped a towel around my head to keep the heat it. It was awful!! Needless to say I will never use those sleeping bags again, and I have replaced them!!

Birthdays and Anniversaries

2009-06-11T15:59:00.002-06:00

I wanted to wish my hubby a very happy birthday yesterday. Unfortunately he isn't feeling well, so I'm not sure how happy it really was.

Also today is our 15th anniversary! I can't believe it's been 15 years, sometimes it seems longer and sometimes it seem shorter. Have all 15 years been happy, UM NO, but what matters is that we treasure the good times and work together to make our lives even better in the future.

Some of the things I love about my husband:

He doesn't care if I wear sweats all day, or don't wear make-up, in fact he thinks make-up is a waste of money. I wear it more than not though, and I really don't like sweats. What I'm trying to say is that he loves me no matter what I look like.

He is a good dad. He takes good care of me when I'm sick, and is understanding of my PMDD.

There are a lot of other things too, but those are just a few.

Birthdays

2009-06-07T20:06:00.003-06:00

What's so great about birthdays? I think once you get to a certain age you'd like to stop counting how many years its been since you were born. I've never minded the number of years I am because it's just a number, it doesn't mean anything to me. Yesterday, I turned 34, and it sounds strange to say that number, 34. My nephew asked me today how old I was, and it was only the second time I had actually said that number out loud or really even thought about my age. Thirty-four....hummm what does that mean? It means I'm that much closer to 40, that much further away from my twenties (thank goodness!), and it should mean I've gained another year's worth of wisdom, heaven knows I need it. I think I've gained a little more wisdom, and really I wouldn't want to repeat 33 again because it was a hard year. There really aren't any years I'd like to repeat, and look forward to coming into myself even more as the years pass. I know one thing for sure, my body has fallen further south, and wrinkles appear deeper and deeper on my face. My metabolism has slowed down, and my body just doesn't work like it used to.

I'd like to think that another year made me a better mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, in-law. I hope I can take all I have learned as a 33 year old and make 34 even better!!

So, how did I celebrate my birthday? Well, it wasn't unlike most days with household chores to do, and kids to take care of, but my mother-in-law took me to lunch, which was very nice, and really the only thing I did that day to celebrate. She's been really great at making my birthday something special the last couple of years, and I really appreciate it. I really do have an awesome mother-in-law! My husband's birthday is on Wednesday so we had a combined birthday party for me and him at my in-laws tonight. It was a fun time!

Gratitude

2009-06-05T12:03:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to express my gratitude today. I went to bed Wednesday night feeling so thankful for a body that works (mostly), for wonderful friends, for modern day medicine, and for all of the acts of kindness that have been shown to me in the last year. Truly I have been blessed, and even though things get hard sometimes, and sometimes it's hard to feel grateful, it's important to try to be. When I sit and look at all of my blessings, and all of the good people do and are, its so much easier to get through difficult times, and sometimes they become not so difficult.

One essential thing I learned not long ago was to look at things people do and say as if their intentions are good. We all take things wrong sometimes and we get defensive, but if we look at what a person does or says in a different way, that they mean well, and would never treat us negatively it makes a huge difference. So, that is what I'm challenging myself and all of you to do. If you get an email that you are offended by take a minute to think about it before automatically assuming the worst. If someone says something, take a minute again, and assume the better of the person. I think all in all people just want to help us and be kind, and sometimes we make it out to be more than it is.

SWEAT! I HATE SWEAT!

2009-06-05T11:49:00.003-06:00

There's nothing like having two big rings under your arms from sweat!! I don't even have to be doing anything to sweat, anymore, I just sweat for the heck of it! I could you a gallon of anti-persperant and still freaking sweat. I wake up in the morning sweating, I take a shower and just by standing in front of a mirror doing my hair and putting my make-up on, and build up a sweat! If the house was hot that would be one thing, but I have our thermostat set at 73 degrees and a fan running in my room! What's with that??? Good grief!!

I was talking to a friend this morning and she said she's been working up a sweat over nothing, and my reply was "It's that estrogen changing!!" hahahahah!

Stop and Smell the Roses

2009-06-04T10:38:00.004-06:00

We should all stop and take time to smell the roses, especially when they are overgrown, and need to be cut down! Do you think my rose bushes are just a bit over grown?

They were almost as tall as the over hang on our house. The bushes needed some tender loving care when we moved in, but it just didn't happen. I'm embarrassed to say that we've lived here for two years now, and I've never cut them properly. I've cut them back every year, but I was afraid to cut too much and kill them off. Well, yesterday I went out on the deck and noticed one of the bushes was almost on the ground it was so heavy with all the blooms. I took a plunge and whacked them down. Once I had them most of them cut down Trevor came out and helped my cut the limbs up and remove any budsso that I could save them and enjoy them in a vase for a while.

Here is the finished product.

Ok, so I have a little cleaning up to do, and weeds to pull, but it's better than it was. Hopefully I didn't do too much damage.

It's a Mystery

2009-06-03T17:18:00.005-06:00

On Monday I got a note in the mail with no return address. It was a simple blue
envelope with a note card inside that said "Just Because" and it included a gift.

Whoever you are out there. Thank you! That was so sweet, and I really appreciate your thoughtfulness!! Ashley's mom kept telling me I'd be blessed, and I surely have been over the last year. Not just monetarily, but in other ways too! I must have a guardian Angel, or a really nice friend!!

Trevor's Tornado

2009-06-03T16:50:00.006-06:00

So, I've been working on a project this week of trying to get the kids' rooms cleaned out. I've been on a manic episode of wanting to get rid of all of the junk in my house. I feel like when a house is cluttered so is your mind, and you really don't feel free, but bogged down in garbage. So, for weeks I've been working on cleaning things out, slowly but surely I'm getting there. I've uncluttered my email box, storage room, my bedroom, hall cosets, you name it I've been cleaning it out. Yesterday I cleaned out Madison & Dylan's room, and moved Dylan into Matthew's room, then went through that room. I can't believe all of the trash I've found, plus just junk, especially in Matthew's room. Matthew collects everything and hates to let go of anything. I hate to admit it, but I was like that as a kid, but I don't remember having as much stuff as he does. I have those large lawn and leaf bags that I filled up with garbage. Do you realize how much that is? Holy CRAP!! I knew there was a reason I never go downstairs. I also filled one of those bags with stuff to go to D.I. (a place where you can donate things, kinda like Salvation Army). WOW that is a lot of stuff, and that's not the only time I've done that in the last few months, at least the stuff for D.I.

Well, today I worked on Trevor's room, and OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! It was like a tornado in there! I warned him yesterday that I was going to go through and get rid of stuff today so if there was anything he didn't want to be free game he needed to put it away, well, he didn't! Here are some pictures of his mess.

I found a belt he used to wear when he was a baby, ties he wore when he was really little, those plastic training pant covers, a flashlight covered in candy bar, and probably an entire box of used tissue under his bed. GROSS!! It's better than the last time I cleaned out his room and found soda cans full of urine in the bottom drawer of his nightstand. When I found those can's I thought, "Why does he have cans of water in here." Then I noticed a smell, and thought, "Oh, NO! That better not be what I think that is!!" I took the cans to the bathroom and started to poor them out, and EEWWW! Can you say GROSS! I was horrified, and there were like ten of them. Okay if your going to pee in a can at least dump in out, but NO! He'd been saving those things for who knows how long! That was truly disgusting. I told you my kids were lazy, his room is right by the bathroom, but it must have been too far for him to walk. I was horrified!!

I almost collected an entire lawn and leaf sized bad of garbage just from his room today, and there wasn't even anything in his room to take away!! He doesn't really have any toys, it was just clothes and trash all over his room. UGH!!! I was a slob as a kid, but never like that!! Why can't kids put their clothes in the laundry basket instead of on the floor right next to the laundry basket? What's with that??

THe ADHD Saga Continues

2009-06-02T15:32:00.004-06:00

So, today is the first day of Dylan taking his new medicine, and so far so good. He was being a little stinker this morning, then about an hour after his meds kicked in he started being so nice, and he hasn't fought with Ava once since. I was able to move his bed down into Matthew's room, which is something we've been talking about for a while. I have to talk to him about things for a long time before they happen or else he freaks out!

Trevor is doing well with the ADHD, but after seeing the psychiatrist last week, he thinks he also has some kind of mood disorder, which we are now changing medication for. Oh, I'll be glad when the whole thing is figured out!

The Girls Photo Shoot

2009-06-01T13:41:00.004-06:00

I finally took the girls to get their pictures taken. We've only been talking about it since October or November, so you'd think I would have done it sooner, but NO!!

Anyway, I took them and Miss Mia would NOT smile for anything. She was clinging to me like a little monkey with her arms and legs wrapped around me. Ava was fine with it all and did great, better than her last pictures maybe. I think they had a hard time getting her to smile for those.

My Big FAT Dog! Update

2009-05-31T20:35:00.004-06:00

Well, it's been a month or so since my big fat dog has been taking thyroid meds. He is losing weight slowly, and seems to have a little more energy, but not an overwhelming amount more. He is so lazy! I think part of his problem is that he's having trouble walking. He got better, then got injured again, so he's been taking it easy and not walking around too much.

For some reason he is very camera shy and as soon as he saw me get the camera out he crawled under the table. What a weird dog.

Bullying

2009-05-31T14:57:00.004-06:00

Ok, so I'm getting on my soap box here. Trevor has been having some problems with some kids at our church. One of them used to be a good friend of his and they hung out together all of the time. Well something happened, I think his friend is acting out because his parents recently divorced. Anyway, a few weeks ago two kids at our church were saying things about me to Trevor, they told him I'm fat, and I don't know what else because he wouldn't tell me, so I can only imagine what it could have been. Last week one of the kids called him gay, and have been calling him a douche bag at school. Today he went to class and sat in a seat one of the kids said he was saving so he called Trevor a douche bag, and said maybe if he wasn't such a douche bag he'd have more friends. This makes me so mad because you should at least be safe at church, plus Trevor struggles enough as it is without all of the added crap. I don't care what some stupid teenage boys say about me, and the thing I thought was funny about the fat comment is that I'm smaller than both of their mothers.

So, now Trevor doesn't want to go to church even more and ended up coming to class with Craig and me. His young men's leader has talked with the kids a couple of times, but nothing is working. I think after today though they were really getting a talking to because I talked to him before Sunday school, and told him what was being said, before we didn't really know.

Then Trevor told me today that some kid punched him at a dance and thinks he was suspended after he reported it because he hasn't seen him since. I had no idea about any of it because he never told me. He has been more withdrawn, and quiet when he's not annoying everyone by picking at them, and I knew he was mad at those two kids, but I had no idea how much more is going on. I guess some other kids as school have called him a douche bag as well. Why do kids have to be so mean? I hated Jr. High and would never want to go back there because it is such a hard age, kids are really mean in Jr. High.

I watched an Oprah show about bullying, and kids had hanged themselves because they couldn't handle the bullying anymore. I'm glad I watched it because it made me more aware of what to ask Trevor, and what kids are saying at school. I feel bad that I didn't know more of this sooner, but glad that at least I'm finding out now.

Bullies need to realize it's not funny and bullying is serious business. How would they feel if they had someone they bullied kill themselves because of it? How would you like to have that guilt?

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this, like should we talk to the parents? talk to the school? I'd want to know if my kid was bullying someone, but not all parents are open minded about their kids and the bad stuff they do.

Mia on the Escape

2009-05-30T13:57:00.005-06:00

Mia is so active and loves to be outside that she thought she'd follow the dogs, only she got stuck!!

Lindsey was here and took the picture because I couldn't get my camera fast enough and she was crying and kicking her legs. It was pretty funny.

One of My Favorite Foods to Eat

2009-05-26T23:00:00.007-06:00

I love fresh fruit, and am so glad when summer is here and the cost of produce is much cheaper. One of my favorite fruits is mango, and most of my kids will eat it too. It was a fruit I was introduced to on one of my visits to California as a teen. It's a very colorful, and you definitely want to eat it before it's over ripe, otherwise it mushy, and doesn't taste nearly as good.

Mangos are so colorful you could use them as a centerpiece!

Another favorite is fresh pineapple, which I've been buying all winter. I just can't bring myself to eat it out of a can, it's just not the same. I also love strawberries and have been really glad they've been pretty affordable. Ava loves strawberries too, I think all the kids will eat them except for Trevor, but he won't eat any fruit. Strange boy!

What's even better than fresh fruit is fresh fruit with a fruit dip. My kids love it too, especially Matthew. It there's some cut up pineapple and some fruit dip it won't last long once Matthew finds it. Umm it is so good, I could almost eat it plain.

Here's the recipe:

1 small tub stawberry cream cheese (I use the 1/3 less fat)
1 small jar of marshmallow creme

mix it together and there you have it!! I've tried it with the fat free cream cheese, but it was really runny, but I had also used an off brand marshmallow creme that was runnier than the name brand. If you go with the reg cream cheese, and not the reduced it's a little harder to mix together. One of these days I'm going to try the fat free cream cheese again and see how it works. I only recommend using the Jet Puffed Marshmallow creme, it does makes a difference.

The Best Present EVER!!

2009-05-26T22:56:00.002-06:00

This weekend was great. I didn’t do anything really fun, but it was so nice and quiet Friday night and most of Saturday. Nate took my three younger kids for the night, and Trevor was staying with his grandparents. It was so wonderful to have a quiet, peaceful house, and to wake up to a quiet peaceful house. I cleaned and worked in the yard on Saturday, and even lounged around some and watched a movie – I had the whole house to myself!! I get giddy just thinking about it! That really is the best gift anyone could give me, a night of peace and quiet. I have to say that it was very thoughtful for Nate to do that. He had Taden too so he had six kids for the night and a good portion of the day. I almost felt guilty!! Did you notice I said almost!! I love my kids, but everyone needs a break sometime, and that was the first real break from all of them at once in a very long time!! THANK YOU NATE!! I enjoyed every second of it. I'll have to return the favor!

A Trip to the ER

2009-05-22T23:21:00.004-06:00

Two weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night with severe chest and back pain, which I chalked up to be indigestion. It felt like food got stuck on its way down, and it was awful, it lasted for two hours or so. No matter how I laid or sat the pain was the same, and trying to take a deep breath, out of the question.

Last night I woke up again with chest pain, but it was dull and not nearly as painful as the first time it happened. Again, I thought it was indigestion, but when I got up I did a google search for indigestion and found the symptoms for indigestion are very similar to heart issues. So, I called an ask a nurse hot line for our insurance, explained my symptoms, and asked how can I tell the difference between the two. My chest felt tight all morning and she said I should call 911. I was like, um NO! I'm not calling 911! This is ridiculous because it's nothing, but the pressure continued, and I was freaking out after talking to that nurse. I called my mom, and I was pretty upset as I was explaining the whole deal and she said that I should at least get it checked out. So I agreed I'd go to the ER.

Lindsey came and watched the kids and I took myself to the ER at Ogden Regional (Davis Hospital is much closer, but they have a bad ER reputation.) I walked in and told them that I had talked to a nurse who said I should come in because I have some pressure in my chest and back. Almost immediately a triage nurse came out and took me back. She took my blood pressure, and pulse, etc, then escorted me to a room where I was told to undress and put on a gown - oh so pretty!! Another nurse came in within 2 minutes probably giving me just enough time to put the gown on. He hooked me up to an EKG and got a reading, which was fine. I was not having a heart attack, which is what I though!! I was a little concerned because I was having a pretty irregular heart beat - I've always had one on and off, but it was pretty erratic today, and my chest still felt really tight. Oh, and when I undressed I had been sweating like mad that I had two big rings of sweat under my armpits. And yes, I wore deodorant! I think I need to go for clinical strength!!

The doctor came in and said the EKG was fine and thinks I'm having some heart burn. I've had heart burn a few times in my life, but never like this. However, he was concerned about the irregular beat, and had my blood drawn and sent me for a chest x-ray, which all came back normal!! After 2 1/2 hours of sitting in that ER with an gigantic headache that I told them about, but never did anything about I was so ready to get out of there. I could feel a migraine coming on. Before they told me I could get dressed I was dressed and almost pulled that stinking needle they stuck in my arm for a possible IV out. In fact I had almost all of the tape off and was just waiting for them to take it out!! If I had had some gauze I would have done it myself!! I felt stupid for being there especially when my intuition told me it would be something like indigestion!

Anyway, the doctor set me up with a cardiologist and an appointment for a holter monitor to wear for a 24 hour period so they can see just how irregular my heart beat is and for how long. I also have episodes of cardiac arrhythmia from time to time when my heart beats SUPER fast and I can't catch my breath. I get light headed and have to rub my corroded artery for a few minutes so it will stop. That's something that's been happening since high school, and I did discuss it with my doctor and he told me what to do when it happened, and it was never mentioned again, nor did he seem worried. I doesn't happen as often as it did when I was younger - go figure.

So, I have heart burn! My chest has been tight all day! I actually think its a muscle spasm of the esophagus and that is why my chest feels so tight. He gave me a prescription for something to minimize the acid in my stomach, but I just took some tums instead. Fun huh?!

After this experience and sitting in the ER by myself, which is what I chose, I decided that if I were to ever have something really wrong with me, and I knew that I might die, I'm not sure that I would really tell anyone. I think I'd want to keep that to myself. I wouldn't want people to look and me differently, or treat me differently just because I was sick. It would feel fake to me, and I wouldn't want anyone's pity. I almost feel like there would be people that might act like they care then, but they wouldn't otherwise. Make sense? I guess I would tell my husband and possibly my kids, but I wouldn't want anyone else to know. I would want to quietly make my exit from the world, just like when I enter and exit a room, quietly go unnoticed. Maybe that sounds strange, but I think I've become so much more private (hahaha, funny thing to say when you have a blog!). There are things I don't share, I don't tell you all everything!! Hmmmm....I do say a lot, but not everything!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!

Part 2 about Depression

2009-05-21T22:30:00.003-06:00

Depression is a disease like any other ailment. Unfortunately it’s a disease of the mind so people are reluctant to talk about it. I’m happy to know that perceptions about depression have change quite a bit over the years, more people are open about it, more people are seeking help for it, and I think more people are understanding. One person said, “People that are depressed just aren’t close to the spirit.” I would hope that there aren’t more people that are ignorant enough to think someone can really control depression or that they aren’t close to God because they are depressed or that they are depressed because they aren’t close to God. I think most people get sad and depressed from time to time when things are hard, but someone with clinical depression doesn’t come out of that, and not everyone suffers from clinical depression in the same way. For me, I feel numb sometimes, a lack of interest in things I used to enjoy, physically tired, and emotionally drained, sad. I see people that I really care about and can’t fathom that they would feel the same about me. (Although that is something I struggle with when things are good, but so much more so when I'm depressed. I’m irritable, easily frustrated and patience fly out the window.

But depression for my mom and one of my siblings is different – they have paranoia, worried people are talking about them, judging them, knows anything about them, plus some of what I experience. I’m more emotional than them to begin with so it effect us differently. Growing up I felt my mom was distant, and emotionally unavailable, which is all part of depression. However some of that was just her. She didn’t like to be touched, so there was no hugging or I love you’s in our house. It was all really detached almost. I think a lot of that was the untreated, undiagnosed depression.

First let me tell you about how my parents were diagnosed. A year after I was married my parents had some marital issues and separated for a time. My dad was devastated and knowing I had been diagnosed with depression sought help from the doctor who diagnosed him as well. After some convincing my mom went to the doctor and was also diagnosed. Both were medicated and it made a big difference. By this time I wasn’t living at home, but I could see the paranoia in my mom leave. I’ve never really have had a relationship with my dad, but I think it made him less grumpy, a little better able to handle things, less likely to snap over little things. Before too long my siblings were also diagnosed and medicated.

Depression is ugly and hateful, and certainly not something people enjoy, and many people don’t even know they have it, or are willing to admit that they do. That’s the thing about the disease it literally clouds your judgment about things. You justify how sad, or icky you feel. It makes you think you can handle it all yourself, that you don’t need help. I have to say something that really stuck with me was that my doctor told me he was friends with a brilliant man that was a neurosurgeon, and he was very intelligent, more intelligent than my doctor, but my doctor said that he was smarter than this man because he is still alive. This brilliant neurosurgeon, someone that deals with the mind was depressed and ultimately took his life because he thought he could beat it on his own. So my doctor declared that he was smarter than his friends because he sought treatment and was still alive. That’s how tricky it is, how deceiving this disease can be. It's like a cancer eating away at your spirit, your thought process, at who you are.

to be continued....it's a mini series! LOL!

Happy Happenings!!

2009-05-21T20:20:00.008-06:00

I ran out of diapers for Ava on Wednesday, and told her I wasn’t going to buy anymore. Now she needs to wear big girl underwear and use the potty all of the time. At first she wasn’t so keen on the idea and told me to go buy more diapers, but I told her she is a big girl and very smart and she can use the toilet. So, she was okay with that and she put on some training pants –Pull-ups are a waste!! She wet a little then realized she was wearing underwear and started screaming and crying that she had peed her pants. With some reassurance that it was okay, she just needs to get used to wearing underwear and we’ll try again she went to the potty and finished what she’d started. The next time she needed to go she went right to the toilet. Today we’ve had about 50/50, but hey it’s better than it’s been. I’ll be glad when she’s completely got it!!

Miss Mia is growing so much and saying more and more words. She started to call me Mama, which made my heart melt. When she sees pictures of her mama she points to her and says Mama, then she points to me and says Mama. I don’t refer to myself as Mama, so it was really awesome when she said it. I feel so much like her mama, even though I know I’m not. Today she did the point at Ashley and say mama, and then to me and said mama, and I told her that was right, she was lucky because she has two mama’s. SO sweet!

Dylan found some Uno cards today, and the boy likes to likes to sort. He got some bagies and started sorting all the of different colors out and putting them in separate bags. His little idiosyncrasies are part of what led psychologists to think maybe he had a form of autism, but he doesn’t he just like thing of the same kind to be together. When he plays with blocks he likes the colors to be together and usually square. Funny little boy.

Mia thought it would be fun to help him, but she took the cards she wanted into the hall and put them on the bucket.

I was cleaning things out so I had stuff all over the house, so please ignore the mess.

Later the kids were outside playing so I thought I’d snap a few shots. In this picture is Dylan, his friends Melissa, Madison, and Ava.

Then Mia and I had a photo shoot inside. She thought it was a funny to get as close to the camera as she could and run around. She is so funny and cute!!

Look at that sass!!

Some of My Battle With Depression

2009-05-19T22:48:00.004-06:00

Life is a funny thing, it takes us through ups and downs and many twists and turns. Some we welcome, others we don’t, but in the end we come out alright – at least that’s the way it should be.

When I was eighteen I went to a doctor for some symptoms I was having. I didn’t feel well - I was tired all of the time, suffered from spontaneous bruising, headaches, memory loss, and a few others I can’t quite remember. The doctor ran a bunch of tests from blood disorders, to blood count, etc. Everything came back normal. Without a physical cause for feeling the way I did, the doctor diagnosed me with depression. I didn’t think I was depressed, and thought the guy was out of his mind. He pulled out his trusty chart and showed me the statistics of age ranges of suicide. He also explained he suffered from depression as well, and the medication had been a lifesaver for him. He prescribed an anti-depressant, which I reluctantly took. After a few weeks I felt better, and with a clear mind could look back and see I had in deed been depressed for quite a long time.

Since then I’ve taken an anti-depressant on and off, and was able to go about five years straight without one, and I never took one when I was pregnant until the end of my pregnancy if needed. Depression can do funny things to your mind because after I had not taken one for so long I’d convinced myself I wasn’t really depressed when it came time to start taking something again. I justified how I felt as just part of life, and all the stress I had going on in my life at the time, but two and a half years ago I had been more depressed than I had ever been before. I literally laid in bed and cried for hours- the tears wouldn't stop. I couldn’t function, I couldn’t even force myself to get out of bed, to get dressed, to do the things I needed to do as a mom. It was the first time in my life that I hurt so much (and there were circumstances that led to all of this hurt) that I just didn’t want to wake up. It was the first time I just wanted to die so the pain would stop. It was like every emotion was intensified, the deep sadness, hurt, and feeling worthless. Typically when my chemicals are all messed up I get really angry, but I literally didn’t even have that in me anymore, there wasn’t any fight left in me. After feeling like I wanted to die, I knew there was something seriously wrong with me and went to the doctor.

The doctor prescribed another anti-depressant, and explained with more than three episodes of depression I should take them for the rest of my life. My brain just isn't producing the chemicals it needs. The medication he prescribed was different from all the others I had tried. I took Zoloft for years, but didn’t like it because it made me feel flat lined, I was just going through the motions of life without a whole lot of feeling. I still had my frustrations and such, but didn’t really get sad, or happy for that matter, I just existed. That’s no way to live and a big reason why I stopped taking them to begin with. Anyway, this time I was prescribed Welbutrin, which has worked wonders, I was able to function and throw myself into school, which got my mind off of what triggered the depression to begin with. I was able to get out of bed, and be a mom, and not cry all of the time. It was great! Looking back I can see the depression started some before what triggered the bad episode, but like I said, I justified it as stress.

The depression I have is hereditary, with many of my family members also taking something for depression.

to be continued.....How life is now, and what it was like to grow up with depressed parents.

HAPPY 13th BIRTHDAY TREVOR!!

2009-05-15T21:47:00.002-06:00

I can't believe my oldest is 13! He's a teenager now - it makes me feel old!! We planned a little get together with a few of his friends who came over for a sleep over. They had pizza, and cake. Trevor made his own birthday cake! I feel bad, but I was so busy all day, and it gave him something to do while he was waiting for the party to begin.

I can't believe it's been 13 years since I woke up with my "water" broken, which led a three week early delivery of a 6 lb 5 oz baby boy. Although, he looked more like an alien with his huge cone head and all!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TREVOR!!

The Weekend! Yeah!

2009-05-15T21:33:00.002-06:00

As much as I love the girls it is nice when the weekend comes and I get a break! Ava and Dylan have been especially antagonistic towards each other this week - I think it's because they've been around each other a little more than usual since the girls stayed the night three nights in a week's time. It's nice to have them overnight sometimes because that's the part I don't experience too often.

Madison and I had a mother-daughter date tonight at a luau. We learned how to hula dance. I was glad when that part of it was over. Madison hurt her side so she only dance for about half of the time. All in all it was a good time. She was especially anxious for it to be over because she was able to go spend the night with her cousins Ava, Mia, and Taden. She always likes being able to sleep over with Tate - they have a lot of fun together.

Matthew was able to go to his grandparent's house tonight as well. Today is Trevor's birthday and has three of his friends sleeping over so I thought it would be best that Matthew not be here. Less fighting, less stress = more fun!

If You Could Have Super Powers What Would You Choose?

2009-05-13T19:11:00.004-06:00

First let's name what they are:

X-ray vision
invisibility
ability to fly
Strength
truth laso
ability to read people's minds
elastic arms
force field
ice breath
speed
walk through walls
web spinning capabilities

I'm sure there are a ton more, but I can't think of them.

If I could have super powers I would choose the ability to fly (of course), how cool would it be to fly? I'd also like the ability to read minds, although there might be things you don't want to know, but if I could tap into just certain thoughts and leave the others alone, mind reading would be great! Elastic arms might come in handy when chasing after kids, would have been nice when Ava decided to ride her car down the street. I could have just stretched out my arm and grabbed her and Mia. I wouldn't want X-ray vision, there are just some things we aren't meant to see. I'd like to be able to be invisible sometimes though. I could be places and no one would know I was there. It'd be interesting I think.

Ice breath could be used to freeze your enemies, or make things cold. It'd be nice to have ice breath on a hot summer day, especially if you don't have A/C. I wouldn't care for web spinning capabilities much, I'll leave that one to Spiderman. Speed could come in handy on the days that I have a million things to do. I could race about and get things done so much faster!! Also would come in handy when chasing kids around!

Leave a comment on what power you'd like to have. (You can leave them anonymously)

Can You Change Your Personality??

2009-05-13T18:43:00.002-06:00

This is in response to a comment left on my previous post. I actually expected someone to say something like that and almost addressed it, but didn't have time. So, I raise the question, Can someone really change their personality? I think you can change certain things about your personality, but I don't really think you can change your whole personality, it is the essence of who we are. I've always been sensitive even as a baby, no one taught me to be that way, I just am, and always have been. I am a religious person and believe we have a spirit that existed before we were born. I think some of our personality has always been with us, it's part of our spirit. I think you can decided to be more outgoing and force yourself to be that way, but I don't think you can really change the core of who you are. I believe we all have good in us, but there are somethings that we just can't change completely.

When I was seeing a counselor we were discussing a situation I was struggling with and what I could do to be proactive to change it. We discussed things that I had already been doing, then I said, "well, I guess I could be less sensitive about it, and just not care - emotionally separate myself."

He responded, "But the sensitivity and how much you care is part of who you are isn't it? You wouldn't be you if you did that."

You see there are things about us that are just deep within us, they are the spirit that is in us. Some of the parts of ourselves are a gift, but sometimes I think those same things can be a curse. You see, I'm very sensitive to the things people may say or do to me, but I'm also sensitive to other peoples feelings - the good and the bad. I always know when someone doesn't like me, I sense it. I can easily sense when someone is upset even when they try to hide it. I pick up on little things that others may not, I feel it within my soul. The curse of that is that it's not always a good thing to know someone doesn't like you. It makes things really awkward and uncomfortable at times.

So, can we really change the essence of who we are? Comments are always welcome.

Sometimes I Want to Be Someone Different (A Changeling)

2009-05-13T11:26:00.004-06:00

I've often felt I'd like to change who I am, be someone else with a different personality, someone more outgoing. I've also thought I'd like to be invisible to some extent. When we have moved I've quietly entered and quietly exited, and hoped no one noticed that we had arrived. I've heard of people feeling offended that no one talked to them at church, heck, I don't mind that at all, I don't like the attention.

When things are hard, when situations are hard my dream is to move away from it all, just have it be us and our kids, and not have the option of even being around the situations I find difficult. I dream of being someone different, have a new name, a new identity, a new life. Somewhere I can reinvent myself, be all of the things I wish I were. Somewhere far away off in the country where I could live more of a simple life, without all of the mumbo jumbo of the world or the heartache that comes with it. Somewhere I would feel safe with my family, where I could protect them from all the ugly that is in the world.

Unfortunately, moving away and creating a new identity is unrealistic, so all I can really do is dream about it. So, I'm stuck with dreaming my way to a new place as a new person. I'm stuck with day dreaming of a more simple life without all of the uncertainty I feel. Not that the uncertainty would magically disappear, but it wouldn't matter so much because I wouldn't be near the source of it all.

Summer Trips

2009-05-12T19:52:00.007-06:00

Last year the kids and I didn't do much as far as getting out to do fun things just us. We did go to Bear Lake for the day with Nathan, which was really fun. We also went to Park City for a couple of days, but not much else as far as travel. The year before the kids and I went to Jordanelle Reservoir, which turned out to be a great time. We rented a speed boat & tube and the kids went tubing. I would have gone tubing too, but someone had to drive the boat! :) Plus the water was really cold. It was awesome! Dylan didn't care for the speed boat all that much, but he was only three at the time so it scared him. We had a great time even when a raccoon got into our garbage!

Now that summer is getting closer I've started to reserve places for the kids and I to go this summer. For us it will be camping because that is the cheapest way to vacation right now. Anyway, while I was searching for places to go and stay that will be fun, not just a tent in some trees, but actually have something to keep the kids entertained I found a really cool place to go. It's the KOA in Montpelier, ID. What I think is so cool about it is that you can rent a teepee to stay in that is equipped with futons and electricity. I think the kids will love sleeping in a teepee, and that means I don't have to pack a tent, or take one down, which is the worst trying to make it fit back into the carrying case. The KOA has a pool, game room, and a lot of other things near by. It's just a mile from Bear Lake State Park, and many other amenities. I'm pumped!

This ia a picture of a place that I would love to go to, but it's in Canada. The teepee in Montpelier will have to do!

This is the inside of the teepee! (in Canada)

Doesn't it look so beautiful?! It looks like it would be so serene! I would love it, just to sit in the wilderness looking at all of the wildflowers. It would be so quiet, and away from everything, a place where you could really be with yourself.

SO far I have two weekend trips planned for the kids and I, but am hoping to be able to take a longer one sometime during the summer. I need to see what Nate's plans are for the summer first.

Dylan's Gift to Me and the Funny Things He Says

2009-05-11T07:42:00.005-06:00

Dylan woke me up yesterday morning to let me know he left me something for Mother's Day, but I had my ear plugs in and was half asleep when he was talking to me. When I awoke I found this present on my night stand.

When I got up he was so excited about his gift that he asked if I saw it. He had a big grin on his face and said, "I gave you some money! You're lucky you can buy something."

The other day I gave Madison a dollar for doing a chore, which Dylan saw and said, "No fair! How come she gets money?" I told him she did a chore so he wanted to do one too. I gave him something simple because he's only five and gave him a quarter. "What? How come she got cash? I want cash too." It was really funny, he wanted paper money, not some coin, and definitely not just one. The only other thing I had was pennies and a nickle which I gave him, and he was happier with that even though it was less money, to him it was more coins so more money.

Dylan has issues with potty training and poop training is the majority of the problem. This morning when I got up he was standing by the microwave and said he was poopy. He was wearing a pull-up thankfully, because cleaning messy underwear is the worst. Anyway, I told him to go in the bathroom and take care of it and he said, "I don't know how to wipe my bum, but I can talk like a girl though." Then he proceeded to say something in a really high voice. What a silly boy.

After a few minute of him screaming that he can't wipe his bum I asked him if he was going to wipe my bum when I was really old. He giggled and said, "You have to be really little." like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard, an old person having to have their butt wiped, what are you talking about?

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T09:53:00.002-06:00

So it’s Mother’s Day, a day to celebrate the mothers. It’s a day to feel appreciative for everything our mothers have done for us to help shape us to who were are. It’s also a time for men to appreciate the mother of their children, and all she does and has done to raise his children. A mother plays a very important role in her children’s lives, and often in the lives of others. Mother’s day isn’t just for mothers, but for all women that contribute to the molding of human beings.

I have been very blessed with a mother who is understanding and listens to me gripe when I need to vent, or gives me advise when I have a problem. I’m thankful for all of the things she taught me as I was growing up, even if I may not have appreciated it at that time, like doing chores.

I would like to say thank you to all of the women who have played a role in my life to make me who I am today. I have been very fortunate in my life to have such positive role models in my life, especially as a teen, to help shape me into who I am. I will always be grateful for such a great influence in my life, especially since I know I was probably very frustrating at times.

I am also grateful for my husband’s mother, and all she does and has done for us over the years. I appreciate many of the positive attributes she instilled in her son as he was growing up to make him who he is today. I know he wasn’t easy to raise, but he is a good husband and father most of the time.

I’d like to wish all of the mothers out there a very HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!

Mia Feeling a Little Blue

2009-05-10T08:55:00.004-06:00

I took all four of my kids to the dentist on Wednesday, and Lindsey watched the girls. Trevor hadn't taken his meds that day and Madison had to have two teeth pulled because they were in the way of her permanent tooth that was coming in so I was bribing them to be behaved and nice. I told them we'd go to 7-11 to get a slurpee if they would made the trip as pain free for me and the dentist as possible. I know, nothing like taking your kids to get something sugary after going to the dentist, no wonder dentists stay in business. I never take my kids to get slurpees, in fact I think that was the first time I had ever done that. I'm really strict usually on their sugar intake.

Anyway, the slurpee I got was the blue raspberry, which I decided I didn't really like and sit it on the table when I got home. I knew that Ava and Mia were sharing it, but Mia has been at the table longer than Ava by far. I could see the back of her from where I was sitting, but didn't realize what she was doing until I decided she'd had enough slurpee.

This is what I found...

Ramblings

2009-05-05T21:43:00.003-06:00

I'm so happy the sun was shinning and the skies were clear today. When I took Dylan to preschool today I took a moment to look at the beautiful blue sky and to appreciate it! Now that the semester is over I've had more time to get things done, but I've been so exhausted that it hasn't really happened until today. It felt so good to feel the sun on my skin and to be out in the fresh air to plant some annuals and pot my tomatoes. (I decided to try to grow them in pots this year because nothing grows in our garden spot.) The girls were able to run around and play in the dirt - they love to be outside. Trevor and I pulled all of the tulips that had lost their petals and a few others that were about to. The weather was perfect today!!

Shout out to Condron.us

Low Rise Jeans - WHY? WHY? WHY?

2009-05-03T23:46:00.002-06:00

I went to find some jeans the other day because I really don't have any that fit well right now. The one's I was wearing are too big and fall down, which is really annoying. It seems even with a belt I'm constantly pulling them up. The other jeans that I was able to fit back into are really old, and have shrunk some. They are my favorite jeans by far, but a little too tight. Well, maybe tight isn't the word, but the waist line is a bit too low, and causing more of a muffin top than I would like!

I usually wear mid rise boot cut LEVI's. Levi's are definitely my favorite and have worn them for years, and years. Anyway, this brings me to the point of this whole post. Why, oh why do people wear low rise jeans?? For one, it creates more of a muffin top, and when one bends over, HELLO! the rest of the world really doesn't want to see anyone else's butt crack!! So, unattractive!! Even the mid rise jeans I was wearing gave me more of a muffin top, so I ended up going to a cut that sits right at my waist. Guess what? NO MUFFIN TOP!! Ok, maybe slight, but it's minimal because the rest of my gut is tucked neatly in! So for me it's back to wearing the "mom" jeans, but at least they are more stylish than what my mom would wear, and they don't go up to my boobs.

The only people that can really get away with wearing low rise jeans and look decent are petite little things, people with rock hard abs, and flat tummies. The rest of us just can't pull it off! Sorry honey, but your spare tire and butt crack hanging out just aren't that appealing!!

The Mental Side of Getting Older

2009-05-02T10:29:00.003-06:00

You hear that we go through stages, like the 20's are trying to figure out who you are, and your 30's you're not in the trying to please everyone mode, but more about what works for you (or something like that). I think I reached some of that in my later 20's, but had a set back when my hormones were all whacked out. Wow, that was a bad two and a half years!! Now, I feel like I'm back to more of myself, the me before we moved from our Clearfield house. I went through some self discovery after that move, some good, some not so good.

I think all of the changes in my life with all of the moves, and opening myself up more led to a lot of my craziness, and opened myself up to a lot of hurt. I would say the last two years have had some very painful experiences, some of which have been beneficial. I've come to a point where I'm DONE with one sided relationships. I'm done putting energy in where the person doesn't reciprocate. I'm done always being the first person to initiate things, the first to send an email, or ask if they'd like to go to lunch, you know try to get together. I've wasted too much energy in my life already wanting to be accepted, and holding on to things that just don't exist like I would have liked. I guess, now I feel like people know where I am and if I've already made the effort to be in contact or get together with no reciprocation then when they are ready, if that ever happens they know where to find me.

I'm done wasting my time on people who just don't care. Really, I'm worth more than that, and I don't have to prove anything to them. I think I realized this the most in the last couple of weeks. I received an e-mail from a family member that was chocked full of attacks, and normally I'd jump in to defend myself, but this time, I didn't. I haven't felt the need to defend myself because I'm not the one with the problem. I don't have to explain who I am to them or defend my reasons for concern.

I think, at least I hope, that when most of us get older we stop worrying about what other people think, we stop trying to be people pleasers, and become more comfortable in our own skin.

The Physical Side of Getting Older

2009-05-02T09:53:00.004-06:00

I've had some things on my mind lately. I know, here we go again, right? No, it's not a rant really, just some thoughts about getting older. So, I'm almost 34 and feeling like I'm not all that old, but my body is whacked out. I've talked about the fact that my estrogen has been really low, and I've been taking something for it, but I'm still noticing things I've never had a problem with, like sweat!! I am not a sweater, but lately I can't stay dry!! I was studying for my last final this week and started sweating just sitting reading. What's with that??? I'm still having hot flashes from time to time, in fact I had one while I was taking my final math exam on Monday. My face felt like it was on fire, and I kept seeing the teacher look at me so I wondered if I looked flushed. I wasn't nervous about the test because I had studied really hard, especially the concepts I had struggled with in the past. I kept putting my hands on my cheeks because they were cooler than my face and it felt good on my cheeks. When I left there I was sweating. Gross!! I have a thing about bodily fluids, and sweat grosses me out, not as bad as other fluids, but still gross. Just what I want is to lift up my arm and see a big wet spot. It wasn't even hot - that's the thing!!

I hear women complain about everything falling south, but I haven't had the problem yet, but I'm sure in some time I will. My fat cells have moved to other parts of my body. Instead of carrying my weight in my butt and hips like I used to, it's all moved to the center. The one nice thing about that is that I wear the same size I did before I had kids, only I weigh more now. It's just the way I carry the weight now. I'm not fat, but I really don't like the spare tire around my center, another part of getting older!!

I took a class about three or four years ago, and in that class I learned that the body starts dying from the time we turn 18-20. Up until that point it's still growing and developing, but once its done doing those things, our cells start to die, some replenish, some don't. How depressing is that? Really the human body was only made to live to an age to procreate, and raising our kids, but modern day medicine has increased our life spans. Still I'm going through peri-menopause at 34! What's with that!! I'll be glad when I hit menopause for the one simple fact of not menstruating anymore, especially since I'm done having kids what's the point, but until then I'm not really liking the changes my body is making!!

An older woman at my church, and I do mean older, she has to be late 70's or so said to me on Sunday, "When I went through all of the I didn't know if I was coming or going!" I laughed because boy do I know what she means!!

A little Ava conversation

2009-04-29T22:41:00.002-06:00

I know I've said Ava is a smarty, and she really is! It blows me away the things she remembers. Ashley's family had a memorial today, and went to the cemetery to see the headstone that was placed on her grave site today. I wanted to give Ava a heads up, and make sure she understood. Now remember she's only 2 1/2. This is how the conversations went.

"Grandma Tami is going to come pick you up today, and you are going to go to a place called a cemetery. Remember how I told you that your mommy's body was put in a fancy box and buried in the ground?"

"Ya." Ava responded.

"Well, you are going to go to the place where she was buried. Do you know what buried means?" She shook her head no. "Well, its when you get a shovel of some kind and dig up the dirt, then you put something in the hole that was dug and cover it back up with dirt so you can't see it anymore. You can't see it because it's under the dirt."

"That's GROSS!" Oh, you should have seen the expression on her face! She hates getting dirty so that's why she thinks it's gross.

"Well, dirt isn't on your mama, it on the box, and you mama's body is in the box."

"Where is she at?"

"She's in a cemetary."

"Where is she at?"

"It's not very far from here."

"My mommy is in heaven."

"That's right your mommy's spirit is in heaven and she doesn't have a body anymore."

"I want to see her, and talk to her."

"I know, and you can go to her grave and talk to her, a lot of people do that. You can take flowers too, if you want."

"She won't see them." she said it like duh! why would you do that?

"Well, her spirit might see them, but a lot of people take flowers to graves to be nice. There will be a headstone. It's this big stone that they put there to the tell you where she is buried and it will have her name on it."

"I want to take a marker and color on it!" She said with such excitement.

I chuckled a little and said, "You can't color on it, but you can color on paper, and make a card."

"Ya, I want the crayons."

So, I got out the colored paper and crayons and she picked pink of course because that is her favorite color. She colored the paper, and I got a blank piece of white paper and asked her what she wanted to say to her mama. This is what it said.

"Mommy,

I love you and miss you. My favorite color is pink. I like purple too, but my favorite is pink. I like apples, and oranges. Mia is my sister. Stefanie takes care of me. My daddy is a good daddy.

Love,

Ava"

We glued the words in the card and she kept coloring. She colored a little at the bottom like a signature. She took her time on that card, and made it very colorful. She kept saying she wanted to see her mom, and I was worried she thought she would actually see her, so I was talking to her again about bodies and spirits, and we don't usually see spirits, but sometimes that happens. I asked her if she remembered seeing her mama's spirit right after she died, and she said,

"Ya, she was right here" as she pointed and sat on the spot where she saw her. I'm not sure if I ever told that story, but about a week after she passed the girls were with me at my house. Ava was sitting on my lap and I was teaching her how to hold a pen because I was writing a grocery list and she wanted to write to. All of a sudden she pointed into my living room and said, "There's Mama." and kept on doing her thing. There have been other occasions when she has seen her, and has said something. She is so talkative that I don't think that happens too much anymore. Honestly, I can't believe the stuff she remembers.

We talked a little more about bodies and spirits, and I again told her she wasn't going to see her mama's body. She seemed fine with it. She is so funny.

Mia is so young that I don't know how much she remembers of her mom. I was asking her the other day where things were, like her nose, ears, mouth, Ava, Stefanie, Mia, and Mama. I wanted to see if she thought I was her mama, she doesn't call me that, only Ava does. When I asked her, "Where's Stefanie?" she touched my chest. Then I asked, "Where's Mama?" and she just looked at me like she wasn't sure. So I said, "Your mama's in heaven, huh?" and she said, "Ya" as she shook her head up and down. Mia may not say a lot, but she understands more than she gets credit for I think.

Happy Birthday, Ashley!!

2009-04-29T13:50:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to take a minute to remember Ashley on this day. I picked the girls up from their house this morning and Ava was so chatty. When we got in the van I asked her if she knew what day it was. She just kept on talking. When she stopped for a minute I told her it was her Mama's birthday. She's so cute in what she says. She said, "Ya, it's MY mama's birthday. She's in Heaven. I miss her and she misses me, and daddy told me that he misses my mama. He did, he told me that." I just agreed with everything that she said, with "Yep. she is" or "that's right."

I'm not going to pretend that Ashley and I were close, because we really didn't know each other very well, but I know we liked each other. Although I didn't know her well while she was on this earth I've felt closer to her since her death because I have her girls, a little part of who she was. Just because I didn't know her well, doesn't mean I don't feel sad that she isn't hear anymore. I look at the girls sometimes and think about how much they have grown in the last year!! Ava tells me all the time that her mama watches her, and I believe that without a doubt. There are times when I'm losing patients with Ava and I hear "Please, be patient," and sometimes I feel prompted to say certain things to Ava about her mom. I know that Ashley is watching them and helping me take care of them. Like her mom said, it's a partnership between her and I.

Happy Birthday Ashley!! You are greatly missed. She would've been 26 today, she passed away just six days after her 25th birthday.

The picture of her that I have isn't a very good one, but it's all that I have right now. I need to get some better one's from Nate.

Boogers, Dead Skin Cells, Fingernails, and Hair!!

2009-04-27T09:25:00.006-06:00

Nate sent me a link to this video of him on Youtube having an extraordinary lunch. It was a specialty brought to him by a former employee - a collection of boogers, dead skin cells, fingernails, and hair!! I don't think I'll ever want to eat again after watching it!!

All for $158!! At least that's what I've heard! GROSS!!!! You couldn't pay me enough!

Dylan's Birth

2009-04-26T14:28:00.002-06:00

This is a longer post, but I think about this experience from time to time. I think it describes how Dylan is now - they way he entered the world, is an epitome of what his personality is like now - he wants things now and there's no discussion. (at least that's what he thinks)

It was a day before my 38th week of pregnancy with our fourth child, I was sitting on an examination table lined with cold white paper, half naked with only a piece of pink tissue paper like substance covering my lower half. I was feeling uncomfortable with the breeze I was feeling with my massive rear end sticking out the back, (since I had grown as big as a house the tissue paper didn’t quite cover everything). I didn’t want to be mooning my midwife as she entered the room. As I stared at the bulletin board covered with newborn baby pictures I was praying to myself that my cervix had made some progress. I had been dilated to 2 1/2 cm for 2 weeks. I had been counting down the days for weeks just hoping for an early delivery. It was getting harder and harder as time passed to move around, just walking up and down my stairs felt as if I had gone to the gym and lifted weights for an hour. I felt as if my muscles were going to give out at anytime. I think at this time in any woman’s life it is the only time one welcomes a pelvic exam, you just want to find out if the discomfort will continue much longer, you pray for progression so all your efforts to try and dilate your cervix aren’t in vain. I had been taking all kinds of advice to induce labor and ripen my cervix from the nurses I worked with. I wanted to be told I was dilated to at least a four or a five, and then I would know the time was near.

Gretchen, my midwife, entered the room and checked my cervix. To my disgust I was still only dilated to 2 ½ cm. I felt sick that I could actually go another two weeks to my due date. She did tell me that some progress had been made, my cervix was soft and ready to go so when I did go into labor it wouldn’t take long. I was grateful for that news at least, but still depressed that I hadn’t progressed in centimeters. It’s the centimeters that count! I mentioned to Gretchen that I hadn’t had a contraction in weeks, not even a braxton hicks contraction so I was feeling really discouraged. She told me that it was the calm before the storm and very normal. We discussed induction, and I anxiously agreed to have one, although not scheduled for almost another week. I left the office feeling pretty low, but I went on with my day.

Later that night I was feeling so exhausted. My other three children we bickering, they would not go to bed; all I wanted to do was sleep. The sand man hadn’t visited them soon enough and the rigors of pregnancy were taking its toll. I lost my temper. I felt like a raging maniac, I was screaming at my kids at the top of my lungs. I think I scared them into staying in their beds because after that not a sound was heard. I was able to snuggle up to the pillow on the futon. I had been sleeping there since I had become pregnant to help alleviate back pain.

I patted my stomach and said, “Dylan, you have got to come out, I just can’t take this any longer. I am turning into a bad mother to your brothers and sister. You just need to come out.”

I quickly fell asleep around 10:30 p.m. and awoke to Craig, my husband, arriving home from work and bringing in some groceries around 12:00 p.m. Within 90 seconds or so after he walked in the door I felt this excruciating pain and pressure. It felt as if an elephant was pushing its way out of my body. It was my first contraction in weeks and I was pretty excited to have one since this only helped with the dilation progress, but didn’t think it was anything that would continue. I just breathed through it and laid down hoping to go back to sleep. No such luck! About six minutes later I had another and another right on top of each other.

I whispered, “Oh, please stop, stop, stop.”

I thought this was for sure false labor; real labor doesn’t start out this painful, it builds up. The pain was so intense and unrelenting, there wasn’t any more than a few seconds between contractions. I felt my eyes welling up in tears. I just paced the living room floor, walking back and forth, and in circles trying to get through the pain. I started to feel sick so I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet for a few minutes. I felt so much pressure. It felt like everything was going to fall out, but I thought it was just gas accompanied by lose bowels. My thoughts kept returning to the fact that real labor just doesn’t happen this fast.

Soon I came down with the chills so I dragged myself up the stairs to grab a long sleeved shirt. Craig was still awake, but getting into bed. I walked into our bedroom, grabbed a shirt, and told him I was having a few contractions and wasn’t feeling well. Craig asked if he could do anything to help, I told him no and headed back downstairs. Only about fifteen minutes had passed since Craig had arrived home at this point. The contractions only intensified and became more frequent, if that was even possible since they were already really strong and right on top of each other. I tried to sit and relax, but a wave of nausea hit me. I, at this point became best friends with the bathroom sink. The cold porcelain felt good against my cheek.

I was in so much pain that I decided to get into the tub to help ease it. Only about fifty minutes had passed since my first contraction, so I figured if this did turn out to be real labor it would be a while before I would need to go in. (My shortest labor was with Madison, my third child. It was 7 hours, plus I was at 4cm when it started so I figured I had plenty of time.) I filled the tub and quickly got in, all the while wishing I had an epidural. I started to think about how I felt right before I had my other kids, the nausea and the shakes, and thought I had better check to see if anything was happening. Typically I would leave this up to my midwife, but since I was all by myself I had to do the honors. Anyhow, I felt a big bulge, and instantly said to myself out loud,

“Oh, that is not good.”

At this point I have come to realize there is no mistaking this for false labor. This was real labor that was moving as rapidly as two mating bunnies. Within 20 seconds or so I had another horribly painful contraction that didn’t end. I was moaning in agony which awoke Craig.

“Why are you making that noise, Honey?” he calmly asked. When he didn’t get a reply because I couldn’t speak due to the pain of watermelon trying to make it out of my vagina he asked again, “Why are you making that noise?”

Once again, I could not reply. I was clutching the sides of the cold white tub as if my life depended on it. If I loosened my grip I might fall of the highest cliff into the rocky waters and die. The tub was my life boat. I was wondering why women choose to have babies without anesthetic, they must really enjoy pain. This was like nothing I had ever felt before and was thankful for the miracle of drugs with my other deliveries. I thought I was going to cry or I was going to pass out. Being out cold seemed like a nice alternative.

“Honey, what is wrong?” Craig asked in a worried tone.

I was finally able to muster up a few words, “Call 911.” I said calmly.

“What?” Craig asked.

“Call 911.” I said a little louder with anguish in my voice.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes! This baby is coming right now and it hurts so bad!” I yelled.

While this conversation was taking place my body started to bare down. It was the freakiest thing to watch. I could see my muscles just trying to push him out. I had so many things going thru my head. First, not to push, maybe I should wait for some help, which was just a fleeting thought once I realized how much worse the pain was to try and stop it. Second, I really wish I had some drugs. Third, there is usually a doctor or midwife to help stretch everything out so I don’t rip in 12 pieces, so I was feeling like I might burst. Forth, I really wanted some drugs!! Fifth, I am in a tub full of water, he could drown. (About a year before this adventure there was a water birth at the hospital and that baby swallowed so much fluid he practically drowned, and this was at the hospital, here I am at home.) Sixth, drugs!!

My water hadn’t broken yet, but within 15 seconds or so it ruptured like a volcano, squirting the back of the tub. Then a head, eyes, nose and mouth followed. He was perfect. Once his head was out Craig walked into the bathroom and there I was sprawled out like the wings of an eagle, holding on to the tub trying to hold my beached whale of a body up with a blue head between my legs.

“Grab him! Grab him!” I insisted.

“The head is out.” He said calmly to the dispatcher. He stood there in a stupor. His eyes glazed over. I mean, he crawled out of bed and didn’t expect to see his wife in such a compromising position. He was in shock and it all happened so quickly.

Meanwhile, I am thinking there is usually someone on the other side here to deliver the shoulders. Plus he is under water! I just pushed the rest of him out. As the first shoulder came out his body went in a downward position submerging his face into the water. Then the second shoulder delivered I quickly rescued him from the warm sea. I pulled him up onto my chest, as he took his first breath. The color instantly flowed throughout his body. What a relief, he was breathing and let out a little cry. He had hair (all of my other children were born bald), and all of his fingers and toes were accounted for. I think any mother worries about whether or not their unborn baby will be healthy and intact. He wasn’t making much noise, just a little grunting, but I knew he was fine. On October 31, 2003 at approximately 1:00 a.m. Dylan Thomas David Meads made his dramatic entrance into this world. He weighed in at 8 lbs 3 oz. and 20 ½ inches long.

“The rest of him is out.” Craig told the dispatcher. He went and grabbed a towel for me to wrap Dylan up in and a shoe lace to tie off the cord.

“You might want to tell them I am in the tub.” I mentioned.

Craig let the water out of the tub and threw another towel over the top of me so I wasn’t flashing the paramedic when they arrived. Within a couple minutes the paramedics arrived. They cut the cord and helped me out of the tub to meet the EMT’s who would take me to the hospital. Before the paramedics helped me out of the tub they were asking what we had named our baby. We told them we had named him Dylan and they proceeded to tell us they had just arrested a Dylan. What a nice omen.

Once the ambulance arrived I was able to get out of the tub and walk to the front door where then I had to be put on a stretcher and taken to the hospital. Many people have asked by about whether or not the placenta was delivered at home, well, that is a big fat NO!! It was really gross walking to the front door with an umbilical cord dangling between my legs. I wish they had delivered the placenta at my house because by the time it was delivered it had been an hour or so, and everything was so soar and swollen by that point. Delivering the placenta was worse than the delivery of Dylan by a long ways!!

The paramedics mentioned on more than one occasion that the angels must have been with me because they are never in the neighborhood; they are stationed about 15 miles from our house and just happened to be in the neighborhood that night. They had just driven by our house when they received the call and were able to get to us so quickly. I count my blessings when I think of all the things that could have happened. God was watching us. You know the saying god will not give you more than you can handle, well, he doesn’t. I really don’t think I could have handled another day of being pregnant, but boy did he have a way of making it all happen quickly.

The meaning of Dylan's name is "son of the sea." It was a name that we picked out long before he was born, but it came to fit him well, don't you think?

Henry's Party

2009-04-25T21:15:00.004-06:00

My nephew Henry had a birthday party today for his milestone 5th birthday. The kids had a really good time in the bounce house despite bounce house injuries. For some reason they thought it was cool to take each others socks off and throw them out of the house. Trevor decided he was too cool to come to a five year old's birthday party. I was happy to leave him home if he was going to give me attitude!!

Then we had Bubba burgers, and lots of other sides!! Deeelicious!!! I ate so much lunch I didn't have room for the ice cream cake! Bummer!

It was a nice day, probably the most at ease I've felt when we've all been together in a long time. Although we did celebrate my mother-in-law's birthday at our house last Saturday, and I felt very relaxed then too. Maybe Stella is getting her grove back! LOL! :)

Monkey Mia

2009-04-24T20:38:00.004-06:00

Mia has turned into such a monkey climbing on everything!! We were in the family room, and when I looked over I found her like this.

Dylan was kind enough to get her down.

I find her on the kitchen table sometimes. She has been so active and into everything or on everything!!

TULIPS

2009-04-24T20:32:00.002-06:00

I love the spring when all of the tulips are blooming!! These are in my front yard!

It doesn't compare to Holland, but it'll do.

Reflection

2009-04-23T21:55:00.002-06:00

Do you ever sit and literally your mind is blank? I've had that happen a lot this past week, I think from being so busy there just isn’t any room left in my brain to think about anything other than what I’ve been doing. My sleep issues don’t help either, that’s for sure!! By the end of the day I’m ready to vegetate because my brain is mush by that time, plus I’m on the go all day!!

There are times during the days for brief moments that I find myself thinking about how my life has changed so much over the last year. So much happened this last year, with my husband’s job issues, Ashley’s passing, quitting my job, taking on the care of two very young children, my health issues, my mom’s cancer diagnosis, and my grandpa’s fall. Those are just the main events - there are added things that go with each of those things. It’s been a roller coaster ride of a year, and even though it has had it’s ups and downs, it has flown by so fast.

So much has changed – the girls have grown so much, and I’ve grown too. I’ve learned some hard life lessons, some of which knocked me down pretty good. Sometimes what we expect or think we have isn’t at all as we thought, and it can either be a hard thing to take or a completely uplifting experience. When times get tough you find out who really loves and cares about you, and who really doesn’t. I’ve lost a friend, but gained quite a few more in the last year as well. I’m lucky in the fact that I’ve had some of my family to lean on through everything, and they’ve listened to my rants about things that I was dealing with. I think you really figure out what you are made of as a person when things get really hard. I’ve always felt I could do things on my own, and I have several times while my husband has lived other places for jobs, but I learned when we were separated that I don’t really want to do it on my own if I don’t have to. That’s not to say I’ll let anyone treat me, or my kids poorly, but I appreciate the help more than I did before. I think some of that is because my husband grew too, and realized he needed to step up to the plate more. I feel bad for him sometimes because I don’t think I thank him enough or show as much appreciation for all that he does to help me. He’s been especially motivated lately!!

So, what’s the point of this post? I guess there really isn’t one, it’s just a reflection on the past year. There’s been some crazy, some moments of peace, and a lot of growth. I still don't have everything figured out, but I'm trying when I can!! I think that's the best any of us can do.

Technology

2009-04-23T15:22:00.006-06:00

As much as I love technology it can be a real pain sometimes. I've been working on transferring my husbands documents and files to his "new" computer. WHAT A PAIN!! The problem is that itunes doesn't make it very easy to transfer your library from one computer to another. I have to rebuild his whole library which is taking days because he has over 18,000 songs. You got it, 18,000!!!! It makes me want to scream explitives and throw the computer across the room!!

This says there are over 19,000, but when I imported everything I did some of it twice.

With working on his computer and all of the other things going on with school, appointments, kids, etc I feel like I haven't had two minutes to just relax!! I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend - just a ton of homework to do, that's all!! I'm so glad the semester is almost over, then life will be calmer in a week.

Mom Updates

2009-04-22T22:16:00.003-06:00

Ok, so I've been really bad about giving updates on my mom lately. She is going to have her surgery to remove the "bag" on the 27th, and is hoping to be back to work the week of Mother's Day. She has gained some of the weight back, not a lot, but her face doesn't look so sunken in as it did when she first came home for the hospital. This whole ordeal has dragged out for so long, that she's sick of it, but grateful they were able to get all the cancer so she is cancer free and won't need further treatment.

Now she just need to get her throat thing fixed!!

Why Blog??

2009-04-19T22:50:00.004-06:00

My sister and I were talking about why we blog, and she thought I should write a post about it, so here it goes. Why blog? The question is asked because of several reasons, one my mom just doesn’t get why anyone would write about things for the whole world to see, or read. It’s a little too revealing for her I guess. I told her that her friends blog about things they do or goals they have, simple things like baking bread, or getting a new mini food processor, family events, and uplifting thoughts. Those things may seem too simple to blog about to some, but many find them interesting. My cousin, Vanessa at http://zinke.wordpress.com/ just posted a beautiful exhibit of numbers; pictures she had taken of numbers (she is very talented) and how such a simple thing can be so beautiful.

So the question is raised why someone would feel the need to blog about things in their life. Personally, it’s a way of self-expression, sometimes a way to vent, and get it all out, especially when I feel I might explode. Luckily with more estrogen in my system this hasn’t happened in quite a while. I guess there comes some satisfaction with posting something others will see; it’s your little place in the world. There is a satisfaction of seeing how many people return to your blog after seeing in once. There is a satisfaction in realizing there are people all over the world that see what you have to say, and they might even like it!! I find it to be so satisfying, that someone out there, people I don’t even know continually come back to see what I’ve had to say. It’s also way to stay in touch and get to know people you wouldn’t otherwise.

The other question that is raised is, what to blog about? Some people are very personal in their posts, while others not so much – I think it’s all a matter of personality. In times past when I’ve ranted about personal things, it really is cleansing for me, a way to purge all the frustration, and anger. However, this leads to censorship. A blogger when posting something personal might feel the limitation of really being able to say what he or she would like because of who might see it. There comes a time when tact is needed when there are people reading your blog that might not like what you have to say. Sometimes it’s hard not to feel so limited in expression when you know certain people might be upset. I find that to be a little frustrating at times, but good in a way too. Its good practice of self-restraint and keeping one’s opinions to one’s self sometimes.

What I find so great about reading other peoples blogs is that I can see how many people in this world are going through a lot of the same things I am going through. It gives a feeling of not being so alone in some of the struggles I have. It’s almost like a big support group, where perfect strangers can exchange experiences, thoughts and ideas. Sometimes, it’s my therapy, like I said a place to purge, sometimes a time to reflect on my thoughts and feelings, which at times would be better kept in a journal not for public viewing.

Even with feeling that expressing who I am is limited at times, I still like that freedom to say what I have to say, and share a little piece of myself with the world!! Keep posting!!

Shout out to Condron.us for bringing so many readers from around the world to my blog!!

Spotlight Sunday! (3)

2009-04-19T15:03:00.003-06:00

Today’s spotlight is on my niece Courtney. Courtney is nine, and an only child, which depending on the day she likes or doesn’t like. She is a very helpful girl. She is really great with the younger cousins, and they love to hang out with her. Sometimes that can be annoying to Courtney, but she is very good about playing with them, when they are demanding her attention.

Courtney hates drama, and just likes to have a peaceful life, without stress. She likes to eat Cool Ranch Doritos, vanilla yogurt, cheese sandwiches, and a few other things - she's very picky! She doesn’t like a lot of bells and whistles in a meal, and her favorite it Swedish meatballs.

Courtney loves to read, especially the “Twilight” series, which she has just finished. She likes to play on the Wii, and is the master of Mario Kart, and she is obsessed with High School Musical. She also likes to play on the trampoline, and with Madison (when Madison is being nice). She says some pretty funny things sometimes, and her blog courtneyfordsblog@blogspot.com makes me laugh.

Courtney is a good kid and we love her.

My Two other Children

2009-04-15T10:18:00.005-06:00

I haven’t posted about the girls in so long! I’ve had ideas, but have needed to take pictures.

Ava is such a smarty it blows my mind, and she says the most random things. Today she was playing with Dylan, and I was sitting on my bed talking to my mom on the phone, but I could see her from where I was sitting. She came to the door wrapped in Dylan’s Spiderman blanket and said, “I miss my mommy, and she misses me.” Then she walked down the hall into the living room. She says it in a happy tone, and so matter of factly. She is a stubborn little stinker too, not caring much if she’s going to have to go to time out, just as long as she proves to me she can do what she wants when she wants. Sometimes I’ll put her in time out then go back after her two minutes are up – today was one of those days and when I went back she said, “GO AWAY!!” I asked her if she was ready to be nice and she said, “NO!” So I walked away and she locked herself in the bedroom. After about five minutes or so I asked her if she was ready to come out and she said she was. She has the crustiest faces of anyone I have ever met. She’s always been able to give a good scowl even as a 12 month old. This was her on Monday…

She LOVES shoes, and I find her walking around in just about anyone’s shoes she can find. She especially loves my shoes so I find them all over the house. The funniest thing was seeing her wear my big old boots. I don’t have small feet – unfortunately the genes of my ancestors didn’t allot me petite little feet, I wear a whopping 8 ½. Ok, that’s not that bad, but compared to a cute little 7 it’s huge!!

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Miss Mia is such a cutie. She is so cuddly and such a lover. She still doesn’t say a lot, but picking up a few new words here and there. Her favorite word is Daddy, which she repeats over and over probably ten times in a row. She says, “Ya”, and UH for no. Nate taught her to say “Boo Poos”, which is his nick name for Ava. I’m not sure where he got that one from. She also says, “that?” “doggy” and “kitty”, at least her version of kitty. She’s been able to say juice for quite a while and tries to say blankey, but it comes out “bobby”. The cutest one I think is when she tries to say milk. It’s more like “gilk.” She is so easy going and happy most of the time. As for accessories this girl is going to be a purse fanatic. Her second word to say was PURSE and she loves purses. Whenever she sees mine and it’s within reach, she’s in it or she brings it to me. She has some toy purses, but they just won’t do, she wants the real deal with everything in it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VONDA!! (Mother-in-law)

2009-04-14T11:09:00.001-06:00

We want to wish you a very happy 65th birthday! Thanks for all you do for us!! We love you!

Some of What Makes Me Crazy!

2009-04-13T10:38:00.005-06:00

Here are a few of the things that make my crazy....

When my kids (I'm not sure who) smears poop on the bathroom wall! TOTALLY GROSS!!!

Coming home to a sink full of dishes. Those that dirtied the dishes seem to think their arms are broken and can't put a dish in the dishwasher! DRIVES ME CRAZY!!

Not being able to sleep!! Seriously, how many people have literally gone wacko because they were sleep deprived! That's why it's used as a form of torture for prisoners of war.

That my five year old still won't use the toilet all of the time!!! What's it going to take?!?

My husband when I find him irritating!! Some times that's more me finding him irritating, than him trying to be irritating, but it makes me want to pull my hair out! hahaha Oh, come on, you all think it, I'm just willing to say it!!

That I find it SO HARD to be myself around some people. I find it easier to be myself around people I find to be open with how they feel about things and are down to earth. You know, the people that are willing to admit when they've made mistakes or admit that they aren't perfect. NO ONE IS PERFECT!! Nor is any one's marriage, or life in general for that matter! It's people that are more open that I don't feel judged by, and so at ease with.

It drives me crazy that I'm so RETARDED!! I hate how I freeze sometimes! More so with some than with others, I think that's back to the previous statement.

That my kids think it's okay not to shower for as long as possible. Can you say DISGUSTING??

WHINING!! I HATE WHINING!! That is the one thing that really makes me want to scream!! I can handle the poop, and fights about showering, but the WHINING!! OH, it pierces my eardrums!

PMDD!! I hate it! I find humorous sometimes when I look back at things I've been so emotional about, for instance, my husband said something about something I posted on my blog last week, and I completely lost it! Cried and cried! It was ridiculous, but at the time I was so frustrated. I was feeling like I can't ever be myself without criticism or that I have to be so censored all of the time about everything! Part of who I am is my openness - there's no pretending to be perfect here!! Usually I'm like, "You don't like it, too damn bad!!" I hate the sensitivity! It really does feel like I'm a "crazy" person sometimes with how freaking moody I can get. I feel bad for my family!!! It's like Jekyll and Hyde! LOL!

A Week in Review

2009-04-12T17:02:00.004-06:00

I'm skipping Spotlight Sunday this week because I just don't have the energy to write one, so I decided to do a week in review instead. This week has been a busy one with Madison being baptized and Easter. On Thursday we went to Craig's parents house to color eggs, have an Easter egg hunt, and for dinner. The kids always enjoy coloring eggs and hunting for them too. Ava and Mia went with us and they both had fun except for when Toby (their Maltese) started chasing Mia's feet. She didn't like that too much, she was ok with chasing him, but not so fond of him chasing her. I didn't take pictures while we were there because I didn't take my camera - brilliant don't you think?

Saturday was Madison's baptism, which turned out well. The water was very cold, and she had to go under twice, so she was frozen by the time she got out. She was very excited to be baptized, even put her dress on three hours before we had to be there. After the baptism we came back to my house and had dinner. Nothing too fancy, just chicken salad sandwiches, fruit, and some chips. Plus Grandma brought a chocolate cake, which was very yummy.

Today, of course is Easter. The kids enjoyed getting their stuff from the Easter bunny, which was quite tricky to prepare for because there was so much last minute stuff to do. We didn't do much today other than go to church, then Craig took the kids to the park for about an hour. I hope you all had a happy Easter.

I'll be posting pictures and updates on the girls this next week.

Dylan Has Learned the Art of Layering

2009-04-10T07:42:00.011-06:00

Dylan is a very silly boy. A few months ago he went in his room to put on his p.j.'s and when he came out he was wearing quite the combination. He thinks it's really funny to have clothes on under his sleeper, and whenever he wears multiple layers he comes out of he room and says, "Look!" as he unzips his sleeper and shows you what's underneath. He laughs and laughs whenever he does it, and he has such and infectious giggle. I filmed him showing me what he had on, but the camera got turned off before he started laughing. Bummer! It's really cute to listen to. When he shows people what he has on he pulls his sleeper apart like you would see Superman do on cartoons when he'd bare the infamous "S" on his chest. I'm not sure why Dylan thinks it's so funny, but for some reason he does.

What Nobody Told Me About Motherhood (the upside)

2009-04-08T10:52:00.003-06:00

I don't think anyone could ever explain how much a mother loves her children or enjoys seeing them grow up. Nobody ever told me how much my heart would ache when my kids make mistakes and fall on their faces. Nobody ever told me how awesome it would be to have a life grow inside of me, even though it seemed like an alien life force at times. Nobody ever told me how proud of them I would be when they hit milestones in their lives, or how extactic I would be that they pooped in the potty! Nobody ever told me how overwhelmed with emotion I would be when each of my children was born or how amazed I would be by the reproductive system. All of the stretch marks, weight gain, back fat, and discomfort of pregnancy was worth it.

Although motherhood is hard, I still wouldn't trade it for anything. Being a mother is the most rewarding role I have had so far in my life, and I don't know what else could even compare.